Reports are coming in of mad partying at Rowling's mansion in Edinburgh. Barking dogs and loud music kept neighbours awake all night as Rowling and writer chums Ian Rankin, Neil Gaiman and McCall-Smith were seen cavorting naked under spotlights on the lawns.
Police were called in by angry neighbours to investigate but could not gain admittance via the electrically charged fences.
"These hoorin' parties never stop," said one man."If I hear one more rendition of Queen singing "We are the Champions" at full volume I may not be responsible for my actions." Police had to wait until morning to gain admittance.
One witness said "there were numerous recognizable figures from the media world lying in various states of intoxication or just doped out of their minds. A high ranking member of England's House of Commons was seen to be fast asleep in a flower bed his arms entwined around a statue of cupid that he had apparently wrenched from the fountain and which he was addressing as "Harry" between slurps of champagne.
When interviewed, J.K.Rowling declared she knew nothing about it but had left the keys of her home with her butler Lance Godbolt while she attended High Mass at Edinburgh's Catholic Cathedral in the company of Christopher Little her literary agent and her lawyer Neil Blair both of whom had called up from London to see her.
The butler was not available for comment and is said to have fled to the Seychelles after telling staff that he intended to build "a mansion there with a swimming pool shaped like Dumbledore's arse".
Ms.Rowling said he had won the Scottish lottery and that she would pray for him and urged all children everywhere to do the same.
The Scotsman newspaper pleaded with everyone to leave J.K.Rowling alone.
"Has the woman not Suffered Enough?" ran their editorial."You all so easily forget the weeks of brutal unemployment she spent right here in our own city. That endless suffering that gave birth to Harry Potter," it went on.
Bryony Evens who discovered Rowling in 1990 while working at Little's agency, stated from her one room flat at Clapham Junction.
"It is all lies. Jo is a fucking saint as we all know.
If there had been a party I would surely have been invited."
When reminded that she had not been invited by Rowling to the launch of the very book she had discovered she responded "Get fucked! Can't you believe what we tell you for chrissakes like everybody else? Do you think you are smart or something? I have a good mind to set our lawyers on you!
