Written by j.w.

Friday, 24 December 2010

image for A Black Christmas
Pre-Scrambled Eggs

My father always gave me good advice. He told me that when you have been found out and have absolutely no way out you should get in first by putting the best possible explanation as to how you made your terrible errors.

So here goes. My wife is a wonderful woman or sadly was a wonderful woman. But she went too far in criticising my scrambled eggs. Many a dinner table has been charmed by my perfect scrambled eggs, although I say it myself.

Then she would have to leave a knife in the kitchen, clearly visible. She had even had it sharpened recently. After a fearful attack on my scrambled eggs, which was quite unjustified, she turned away.

If the knife had not glinted in the sun I would have left it at that. People are entitled to their opinions. But some force out of my control picked up the knife and plunged it into my wife's back.

Oh how I suffered from her screams! Then when she lay inert, the knife kept nagging at me and I cut her up into small chunks of meat and fed them to the dog. He eat so much he was sick all over the carpet. My wife would have been very upset about that. She loved that carpet.

I told the police it was a mistake. I should have given the dog the meat outside in the garden.

I suppose they will add me to the prison figures. But will I reform inside or will I meet others who have committed far worse crimes who will give me ideas? Better, surely, to give me a Community Sentence so I can do some good in society. After all I can't cut up my wife again and I don't intend to re-marry - although I might if someone fancies my scrambled eggs.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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Topics: Christmas

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