Written by Nick Hobbs

Friday, 24 December 2010

image for Exclusive: Santa Claus Comes Clean With 'I'm Gay' Statement
Gay as old Dad's hat-band!

Santa Claus, jolly fat man and present giver to children, was yesterday sensationally outed as being gay.

The rotund, bearded buffoon, was snapped at a supermarket in a tender embrace with an unidentified male.

Speaking from his home in Lapland, Santa spoke in depth about his relationship, and the revelation that the worlds best kept secret was now public knowledge.

"I started seeing Tony around three years ago. Things with Mrs Claus were stressful, to say the least," he told us, "I just needed something different in my life, and since childhood, I had always known I was different."

"Only working for one night a year leaves you with plenty of thinking time, and I began hanging around in bars, drinking my woes away, I guess. I noticed that I was always being eyed up by fellas in the bar. Let's face it, the red, fur-trimmed suit and bobble hat, are a little homo. I suppose they liked the beard too."

"I was left lots of numbers on napkins and cigarette packets, but I never returned the calls. Until the night Tony spotted me, in a wine bar in Durham. We ended up chatting for hours, and then moved back to his flat. He was such a sensitive lover, I fell for him deeply. He loved me for me, not the idea of me, and I like that, a lot!"

"I managed to keep up the charade of happy marriage for the sake of my job, but Mrs. Claus couldn't handle it, and hit the bottle. I had to leave her, as she was becoming more and more abusive, both physically and mentally. Tony was my rock, throughout!"

The revelation has sparked controversy across the world, with anti-gay campaigners claiming Santa is no longer fit to work with children.

"It's just a passing fad," said Lenny Betterton, one of the anti-gay campaigners "it's the in thing to be at the moment, just look at the soaps, you can't turn on the telly now without watching some bloke snogging another bloke, or touching his face in 'that' way! Bloody disgusting, filth! And to think he's gonna creep in to my son's room at night, and empty his sack over his bed, I don't think so!"

"I'm gay," replied Santa, "not a paedophile! The thought that people are still bigoted, in this day and age, is totally abhorrent to me!"

More news as we think of it.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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Topics: Gay, Santa, Gay Pride

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