World's Hottest Chilli Burger Claims Two More Victims
Two more victims of the world's hottest chilli burger were rushed to hospital last night by paramedics after biting off more than they could chew. Witnesses report that the two men had been drinking beer all night before turning up at the 'Burger...
Read full storyPro-Life Group Goes After Masturbator
Topeka, Kansas - 16 year-old Jimmy Sullivan never considered himself a murderer. His sexual impulses, he thought, were fairly typical for a boy his age. "My mom says it's all part of growing up." - Judith Prince disagrees. Prince runs the local...
Read full storyOak Trees Live Longer In Kent Than In Scotland
Researchers have revealed that oak trees live for four times as long in the county of Kent, than they do in Scotland. The average lifespan of a Kentish Oak - barring hurricanes - is 1,000 years, whereas in Scotland the figures reveal an average li...
Read full storyChaz Bono Wins The 1st Annual Transsexual Olympiad
SAN FRANCISCO - Chaz Bono, the former female writer, actor, musician Chastity Bono, who recently underwent a sexual reassignment surgery to become a male writer, actor, musician has won The 1st Annual Transsexual Olympiad which was held at The Rock H...
Read full storyFeds to Stop Funding End-Of-Life Counseling for Cats
Washington, D.C.-The federal government, citing enormous cost over-runs and mounting piles of paperwork, has quietly stopped funding "End-of-Life" counseling sessions for cats. The practice, begun in 1979 under the Carter Administration's Kitty-Care...
Read full storyMan With World's Smallest Penis Gets Hung!
The wife of Penis Minus Wilson (Not his real name), the man with the world's smallest penis, called 911 yesterday from their bedroom in Dallas, Texas after she discovered he was hung. "He can't get out" Halletta Wilson told the operator. "He's hun...
Read full storyHampstead property developers take Col Gaddafi's son for $16 million ride
London - (Billionaire's Row Mess): "The state-of-the-art mansion even boasts an electronically operated rubbish store." Anti-Terror Squad Detective Chief Superintendent Dave Knuckleduster said today quoting from the estate agents' blurb. "Reckon t...
Read full storyAngelina Jolie and Megan Fox To Star in Children of The ACORN
HOLLYWOOD - MGM has just signed Angelina Jolie and Megan Fox to star in the new film Children of The ACORN. Jolie and Fox will portray twin sisters Bobbi Jo and Jo Bobbi Labiabeaux who grew up in the poorest neighborhood in New Orleans known as T...
Read full storyPresident Obama Says The GOP Senators Are All "Wee-Wee'd Up"
INTERCOURSE, Pennsylvania - President Obama speaking before a group of American Gynecologists was asked why it is that he thinks that he is not getting as much cooperation from some of the Republicans in the Senate as he would like. He replied, that it was because they are all wee-wee'd up. When asked by Fox News reporter Cooper Zankstrom to explain he smiled and said the the GOP'ers are bas...
Read full storyOasis cancel gig due to laryngitis making Liam Gallagher's voice sound better
English rock'n'roll stars Oasis had to pull out of the V Festival in Essex today, when an attack of laryngitis made singer Liam Gallagher's voice sound almost bearable. 'After a year on the road impersonating a schoolkid gargling Listerine out of...
Read full storyEngland cricketers prove Jaggedone one wrong and thr-ASH-ed the big mouth arrogant Aussies!!
Shock, horror, England can win and have shaken off their sickness announced by renowned medical expert and mega-Quack, Jaggedone after Andy Murray bottled at Wimbledon! Loseritis is the disease which, has afflicted English football teams since 196...
Read full storyFormer World's Fattest Man Vows to Reclaim Title
A former record breaker is attempting to regain his title after a bout of food poisoning cost him his crown. For over 10 years North Carolina resident, Bernie 'Big Gulp' Hickok could proudly boast to being the world's fattest man. However after falli...
Read full storyEnglish Language Under Attack as Twats Go Bonkers!
Sly Twats masquerading as literary-social groups today declared a big victory in a battle most world citizens didn't know was being waged! The Northern Ireland Human Rights Commission received an unconditional surrender from weak kneed politici...
Read full storyObama says "pee-pee factor up," and "pucker factor tightened"
WASHINGTON, DC (ABSNN) - President Barack Obama said the "pee-pee factor (is) up," among the "bed-wetters" among the political analysts. And speaking of anal, "the pucker factor has really tightened," said White House Spokesman Robert Gibbs, speak...
Read full storyTiger Woods In New Shitstorm
After the recent infamous 'farting on-air' incident at the Buick Open, world number 1 golfer Tiger Woods was at it again today, when a training ground incident saw him involved in another ugly mess. Woods was out practising his driving, when, all...
Read full storyPopular DEM Sex Club Outed on Internet: Site Ordered to Delete "Used" Mistress Profiles
Eric Holder was called away from pressing duties involving the 2nd Amendment, and forced to intervene in a yet another Democratic Scandal involving extra marital sex. Government investigators have uncovered a clandestine avenue to promote mistress...
Read full storyPrince Charles has reduced his carbon footprint, "but not his toe-jam," says wife
LONDON (ABSNN) - Charles, Prince of Wales, and heir to the English throne, has kept his promise to reduce his carbon footprint by no longer flying on the Royal jet, by burning all his own, and Lady Camilla's feces instead of peat, and walking up stai...
Read full storyBoogertown Church Fight
Boogertown Sunday News Fight Backstage During Child's Puppet Play At Brother Verber's Church! A violent fight broke out on stage or behind the stage at the Green Boogertown Missionary River Church, headed by Brother Verber Sunday after a big sneeze, then a couple of slaps heard behind the curtain puppeteers. 'Froggie and Punch' drew backward, suddenly disappearing with the single word...
Read full story'OK, Woodstock was diabolically bad', stars admit
40 years after the legendary rock festival was held on a farm in Woodstock, it was admitted today by many of the top performers of the 1960s that rather than being the groundbreaking and culturally significant event in American history it had claimed...
Read full storyHull Man Pours Kettle Of Boiling Water Over Ants' Nest
A British man living in the Thai eastern seaboard resort of Pattaya has taken the most decisive action yet against a colony of ants that occupy his apartment. On Saturday, the man got totally fed up of the constant marching and foraging of the ants,...
Read full storyDominatrix Spoof writer Madame Bitter-s accuses fellow Spoofer, Jaggedone, of being a genius!
Respected, dominant Dominatrix Spoof writer, Madame Bitter-s has recently made blockbusting revelations about fellow Spoof writer, Jaggedone, claiming that JO is a f*****g genius!! Refuting these outstanding accusations, Jaggedone thanked MB but...
Read full storyObama Acknowledges Incontinence As New Threat to Democratic Party as Recent Polls Cause Massive "Wee Weeing!"
President Barack Obama, firmly pointed his finger at his critics and blamed his recent plunge in popularity polls to incessant "bed wetting" amongst his House and Senate leaders. "Let me make this clear, scrap that, LET ME MAKE THIS PERFECTLY CLEA...
Read full storyAvatar Could be Put On Hold
Groundbreaking 3D James Cameron movie, 'Avatar' may have its release date put back until the spring of 2010. Much confusion in Hollywoodland following a revelation by a set runner that the real expert in avatarism is not in fact, James Cameron, bu...
Read full story"Big Oil smells blood in the water!" O'Donnell warns Obama
Martha's Vineyard - (Upstream Mess): Global warming's witchfinder-general Frank 'Rosie' O'Donnell has fired off a new salvo at President Obama's Crap & Tirade plot to squeeze the oil industry for more 'spreadable' wealth. "Big Oil smells blood...
Read full storyScotland defend the release of cancer ridden "Evil Bombing Bastard", Scotland couldn't even defend against Andorra!
The Lockerbie bomber and a very evil bastard has been released from a Scottish prison and been given a heroes welcome by Gadaffi and his terrorist cronies! Meanwhile Scotland defend the release and meanwhile attempt to defend their Gaol against An...
Read full storyMiley Cyrus, Liam Hemsworth Make Open-Faced Sandwich
NASHVILLE, TN - Unable to wait any longer to join the exclusive "co-star couples club," Miley Cyrus reportedly was spotted frisking Australian actor Liam Hemsworth shortly before the pair played full-contact tonsil hockey! Hemsworth jumped out of...
Read full storyGovernment Lays Foundations for new Back-To -Work Scheme
The Government is about to reveal a controversial new plan to cut the number of young people out of work. Under the Foundations for Living scheme, youngsters aged between 18 and 25 will sign up for a 6-week crash course to l learn architecture and...
Read full storyCold beach...what a great idea.
Fersarchee, the renowned fashion house, is to create the world's first refrigerated beach so that hotel guests can walk comfortably across the sand on scorching days. The beach will be next to the the new Palazzo hotel which is being built in Dub...
Read full storyBitch stealing gay bitch upsets gay bitch in Ft. Lauderdale
FT. LAUDERDALE, FL (ABSNN) - Hudson Hayward Hemingway, a 4-month-old Chihuahua puppy, was dog napped from a Wilton Manors gay bar sometime in July according to the Broward State Attorney's Office. The dog's owner, Brian Dortort (why are so many ga...
Read full storyCash for left-overs program starts Tuesday
WASHINGTON D.C. - President Obama today announced a new program to follow on the heels of the cash for clunkers program. In a small press conference today, lightly attended, he gave the details and motivation. "The cash for clunkers program ends...
Read full storyAlien contact reveals purpose of aspartame
DENVER, Colo - The flying saucer that landed 1.5 miles East of Parker Road and 1/4 mile South of Arapaho Road in Arapaho county, Colorado last night produced a spokesman from a star 100 light years from Earth. He introduced himself as Mr. Gourmand...
Read full storyKansas Minister Wants To Ban Prayer In The Church
TOPEKA, Kansas - Reverend Levon Chinbocker, who just very well may be the most hated man in America, has stated that his goal is to ban prayer in every church in the United States. Chinbocker who is the head of the High Road Episcopresbytist Churc...
Read full storyTransformer a Victim of 'Cash for Clunkers'
The popular 'Cash for Clunkers' program has produced an unexpected casualty. The Transformer Bumblebee was apparently traded in by his owner Sam Witwicky. The 22 year-old Witwicky used the money to purchase a Toyota Prius. When asked about his dec...
Read full storyEllen DeGeneres, Melissa Etheridge, and Rosie O'Donnell Buy Twitter
HOLLYWOOD - In a move that has sent shock waves throughout the electronic world Ellen DeGeneres, Melissa Etheridge, and Rosie O'Donnell have announced that they have just purchased Twitter. The three women through their company Tri-Guys Unlimited...
Read full storySimon Inadvertently Lets The Cat Out Of The Bag
Legendary celebrity grouch Simon Cowell today made a statement which caused goosebumps on my arms, after I recognised a slip of the tongue as being of hugely significant importance. When confronted by a wannabe dressed up as a blue gorilla, Cowell...
Read full story