Russian Commander Threatens Destruction Of American Fast Food Establishments
The commander of Russia's strategic missile forces has repeated warnings that Russian ballistic rockets could be aimed at various fast food establishments such as McDonalds and KFC, in response to American utterings of missile bases in Poland and Cze...
Read full storyNew York Post "OUTS" Obama; Reveals Iraq Double Dealing!
Ny/NY New York Post - A NY newspaper claimed today that while on his "mission from God" last July, Barack Obama tried to muscle Iraq leaders into delaying an agreement on troop withdrawal. At the same time he clamored in the press for an early with...
Read full storyTottenham Good Start Continues
Tottenham Hotspur continued their good start to the season last night, when they lost 2-1 to Aston Villa at White Hart Lane in front of 36,000 excited supporters. Spurs stay rooted to the bottom of the Premiership in their most impressive start to...
Read full storyUK economy knackered due to Prime Minister's Anagram Disease
Doctors today confirmed that the UK economy has gone to pot not because the Labour Government have completely mismanaged the country, but because the Prime Minister Gordon Brown has AD - Anagram's Disease. A leading professor, Professor Lee Ding,...
Read full storyJoey Barton To Star In 'Brand New' Series Of Grange Hill
Joey Barton, the Newcastle United and England footballer, is to star in a brand new series of the cutting-edge TV drama for children and adults, Grange Hill. Barton, recently freed from prison after serving a 6-month sentence for Assault & Bat...
Read full storyRussell Brand gains American citizenship after MTV Awards
Russell Brand has been granted an American Green Card and full American citizenship without even applying for it. A spokesperson for the American Green Card Office said: "Well, we appreciate he called our President Bush some rather funny names,...
Read full storyStar Trek Sick Gay Wedding Latest
"To explore strange new worlds. To seek out new life and new civilisations; to boldly go where no man has gone before!" Yes, that was the byline of the internationally famous Star Trek series, and that's exactly what crew member George Takei, real...
Read full storyNot having cancer leads to cancer, say experts
Scientists have identified one guaranteed precursor to cancer - not having cancer. "We examined 10,000 adults with cancer and found one overwhelming similarity within almost all of them - they used to be cancer free," explained Dr Thomas Statistif...
Read full storyPalin Grilled on Statement Suggesting "Jesus was on a Mission from God"
ABC newsman Charles Gibson grilled vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin on a controversial statement she made in an Alaska church. The statement, which suggested that Jesus Christ was on a mission from God, has raised eyebrows in certain Democrati...
Read full storyMichael Owen Takes Real Estate Advice From Michael Jackson
Newcastle United and England striker Michael Owen has gone all businesslike, and has decided to build a £12million Wonderland Theme Park in the grounds of his luxury retreat on the Costa del Sol. Owen, who national team manager Fabio Capello jetti...
Read full storyMcCain: Palin is also 'Greatest Mother Ever'
Days after announcing on 'The View' that Sara Palin was the "greatest vice presidential candidate in the history of the United States," John McCain further extolled his running mate by claiming she is also "the greatest mother in the history of the w...
Read full storySwiss Role in American Jam
European bankers have now admitted that they rigged the results of the Large Hadron Collider - which runs beneath Switzerland, Germany and France - in order to create an implosion in the American financial system. "We were really upset that Credit...
Read full storyLemon Brothers the new Enron
Off-the-Wall-Street, NYC - (Ass Mess): Four years after Lemon (sic) Brothers settled their $222.5 million Enron class action involving the underwriting of the fallen energy giant's hidden debt, inflated profits and accounting tricks, the Wall Street...
Read full storyThe Land of TV Spinoffs
This article appears in this week's edition of "TV Territory," an entertainment weekly publication dedicated to the notion that television viewing is still #2 on the list of favorite things for a husband and wife to do. And according to an unbiased independent survey conducted by The Unbiased Independent Survey Organization (based in Chattanooga, Tennessee), TV viewing has also recently moved...
Read full storyMullah Makes His Point: Sharia Courts in Britain...US Next With Obama?
London/Sunday Times - The Armada couldn't do it, the Luftwaffe couldn't do it, Goebels couldn't do it, Russian Spy Sex Scandals couldn't do it, but Britain's OWN courts DID it....subject this Brave Island Bastion of Independence in one stroke of...
Read full storyLehman Bros files for Bankruptcy
Lehman Brothers, the fourth largest investment bank in the entire Universe, has filed for bankruptcy protection, tossing a spanner into the capricious works of the galactic financial system. The news led to sharp falls in share prices across the...
Read full storyWelsh Transvestite Fireman in Snake Shock!
The sleepy town of Blackwood in Wales was in shock today as one of it's fire fighting heroes, Simon Bevman, was strangled to death in the high street by a 15ft python. Initial reports indicate that Mr Bevman had just left the chemist after buying a l...
Read full storyTalking Palin doll says "Kill! Drill! Spill!"
In what many observers have described to be like a scene from horror film Child's Play, the Republican Party unveiled its new Sarah Palin doll, which goes on sale at toy stores throughout the US, complete with reindeer cleaver, portable oil derrick a...
Read full storyHSBC is next for bankruptcy analysts say
Off-the-Wall St, NYC - (Ass Mess): Leading financial shrinks say that Asian banking giant HSBC is next for the knackers' yard after a $500 billion black hole emerged in its official accounts. "This London-based Hong Kong racket bears all the hallm...
Read full storyHadron Collider's Inter-dimensional Financial Black Hole Blamed For Lehman Brothers Collapse And Coming Depression
Leading scientists and financial experts are agreeing today that the Large Hadron Collider has created a financial black hole so big that all the economies of the west will collapse into a deep depression that will make 1929's Black Tuesday look like...
Read full storyPutin blamed for satanic cannibals' ritual orgy rampage
Yaroslavl, Russia - (Bolshevik Ass Mess): "I blame bloodsuckers like Prime Monster Vlad 'The Impaler' Putin for these sadistic cannibals' satanic orgy rampage." That is one local mother's view today after Yaroslavl police arrested a gang of hum...
Read full storyNo news is good news - False, claim BBC
3 days ago all major television networks in the UK trialled a removal of all news based programmes from the television schedules in response to over-zealous viewers such as someone from Norfolk who claimed that no news is, in fact, good news. In...
Read full storyNo value to Ice Gems
In a shocking revelation, it has been revealed that Ice, or Midget Gems have no great monetary value. The mini biscuits, a treat for many who grew up in the 20th Century are worthless lumps of sugar, that rot teeth. The only person they made rich...
Read full storyBrowns Sacks Himself
Prime Minister Gordon Brown has shocked the nation by firing himself, following allegations that he was ready to move against him. According to a source close to the PM, Mr Brown suffered a moment of self-doubt on Sunday morning whilst having a shit...
Read full storyMcCain pregnant, none of our business
John McCain, the Republican presidential nominee, shocked the political world by announcing today that he is 6 months pregnant. Senior aides have dismissed reporter's questions, calling the news a "private, family matter". A spokesman refused to...
Read full storyRose McGowan may join Irish terrorists
Poor Irish Republican Terrorists, they really aren't having much success these days so its little wonder that they welcomed the comments from American actress Rose McGowan. A leading Irish terrorist said "yes things aren't going particularly well...
Read full storyClegg Faces Leadership Challenge from Corpse
As the Lib Dem conference gets underway in Bournemouth, a number of backbench MPs are mounting a challenge to Nick Clegg's leadership with a campaign to draft the legendary David Lloyd George back into office to replace him. Despite the fact that th...
Read full storyPolish And Foreign Workers At Heathrow Now Account For Majority Of Staff
Polish and other foreign workers at Britain's busiest airport, Heathrow, now account for more than 84% of the total workforce, it has been claimed, by an irate traveller. Donald Dixon, a staunch BNP member, was coming back from New York with his f...
Read full storyKu Klux Klan Resurfaces With New Direction
In a surprise resurfacing of an organization many considered dead, the Ku Klux Klan held a press conference at which Klan members preceded to kick the shit out of four nonminority members of the press to everyone's surprise. "To revitalize a once...
Read full storyAK-47 Saracuda
Extremely reliable Democratic sources have reported that President Bill Clinton called Governor Sarah Palin and offered to personally donate $2,000 to her campaign if she would agree to shoot a Tic Tac out of Fox News celebrity Sean Hannity's mouth at 100 yards. "Salmon Sarah" quickly jumped at the offer and she added that she would even agree to make the shot using a makeup mirror while bouncing...
Read full storyTodd The Enforcer
Most people find it hard to take a person named Todd seriously, especially when they tell you they are an enforcer. Sarah Palin's snowshoe rental magnate hubbie, Todd found it no different. That was until he broke his first two kneecaps (on the same tax withholding old lady). Soon respect flowed freely as the Govhubbie lobbied for his wife's programs and policies with guns, knives and a ha...
Read full storyIceBerry, The Little Alaskan Town That's Ugly as Sin
Once upon a time, a quaint but homely Alaskan town was the weekly delight of network TV watchers. The Wednesday night episodes of the Beehive adorned Mayor and her snowshoe rental magnate hubbie brought many a chuckle to the bored and the bereft. One week it would be the brother in law/ town drunk shooting up the jail where he was deputy and the next all the Alaskan rebate checks mistakenly ended...
Read full storyZoofuck, the Myspace for Real Animals!
Most of us have enough trouble trying to get ourselves laid! But zookeeper Rubsem D'Riteway, spends most of his time as a mate procurer for the animal lonely hearts club. Koala bear Killarney tries to scratch out the eyes of every date they bring...
Read full storyControversy Over Felons' Right to Vote Dwarfed by Bigger Question
Some states allow imprisoned felons to vote, others only parolees, some only probationnaires and then there are those that make you pay your full debt to society. In two states, Kentucky and Virginia, you are never allowed to vote again, but a bi...
Read full storyPamela Anderson's Next Husband
The Canadian publication Gobs of Gossip Gazette has reported in their upcoming October issue that Pamela Anderson-Lee-Ritchie-Salomon wants to walk down the wedding aisle one more time. Pam whose three husbands have all been musicians (Tommy Lee...
Read full storyOn Phrase 'God Made Dirt, Dirt Don't Hurt': God swears "I never said that!"
God, long-mute on many issues, recently broke His silence to give an interview with Charlie Gibson. In a deep and cavernous tone (and apparently nursing a hangover) the Almighty specifically addressed the phrase 'God made dirt, dirt don't hurt':...
Read full storyPenis Atrophy Linked to Cell Phone Use
Rochester MN: Claims have been made that using a cell phone in close proximity to the head could perhaps cause brain cancer. Dr. Nicola Tesla of the Heinrich Hertz Institute has conducted his own independent study to determine if there are other hidd...
Read full story