Rochester MN: Claims have been made that using a cell phone in close proximity to the head could perhaps cause brain cancer. Dr. Nicola Tesla of the Heinrich Hertz Institute has conducted his own independent study to determine if there are other hidden maladies.
Dr Tesla gathered a control group of six people who did not have any brains, thus ruling out any confusion of results. The six subjects were Keith Olbermann, David Letterman, Matt Damon, Rosie O'Donnell, Pamela Anderson, and Britney Spears.
Exposure of the male subjects to cell phone radiation occurred after a brief training period on using this complicated device. Dr Tesla noted that the degree of penis envy in the male subjects increased over a period of time. Increased penis envy is a serious sign that the individual's male ego has been reduced, which could lead to penis atrophy. Dr Tesla prescribes 10 doses of Viagra per day to alleviate the problem. For vegans organic garlic may be substituted, but must be employed rectally.
Exposure of the female subjects to cell phone radiation was somewhat easier, as the device is a natural anatomical extension. However, no conclusive results were observed among the three very different female subjects. Dr. Tesla believes that further studies need to be conducted, commencing with Pamela Anderson. Dr. Hertz has also agreed to participate.
