Children in Need is 'as boring as Fu*k' - It's Official!
After 255 years of ruining the whole of a Friday night TV entertainment each year, the Big Bottom Broadcasting Company has finally conceded that it's annual 'Children in Need' monopolisation of the BBBC1 airwaves is 'as boring as fu*k'. Terry Wigo...
Read full storyHBOS consider telethon appeal
As shareholders consider whether to accept the Lloyds TSB offer, the HBOS board are said to be considering a "plan B" for raising capital if the offer is turned down - namely a "Children in Need" type of telethon appeal A spokesman explained - "...
Read full storyGary Glitter Conspicuously Absent From Children In Need Extravaganza
Glam rocker come convicted paedophile Gary Glitter was this evening notably absent from the Children In Need fund raising marathon, a notable BBC institution. As the clock ticked towards eleven pm and the charity fund stood at a staggering £13 mil...
Read full storyBailout Failout
Nov. 2009 - The bailout recovery has finally come full circle as the recipients have finally stabilized their companies and are ready to rehire their workers. A shock came about, however, when it was found out that most of their old workers had eithe...
Read full storyZombie Wall Street
Wall Street, like a corpse awaiting autopsy on a slab, still shows occasional signs of disturbing life. The Dow Jones, the tachycardia machine of its life impulses, was almost disconnected when it dropped so many points that all specialists thoug...
Read full storySarah Palin has a Superfluous 3rd Nipple - that talks to her
Sarah Palin has revealed in an intimate TV interview with Barbara Walters that she has a superfluous third nipple. Not only that, but it 'talks' to her. In fact it was her tit which told her to accept the vice presidential nomination from the Repu...
Read full storyAmy Winehouse Loses Beehive, Braids Her Crotch
Amy Winehouse has been photographed without her characteristic beehive, rendering the blues skank virtually indistinguishable from run-of-the-mill skanks in the area. Waiting to be reunited with her husband, who was released from jail last week,...
Read full storyEnglish Cricket Team Tightens Selection Rules
Today the MCC announced it was changing its rules for deciding whether people are eligible to play for England or not. Chief Executive Sir Edward Handlebar said:'The new stricter rules mean that to play for England you must now be able to speak a...
Read full storyDelap-idated Arsenal try New Strip
Delap-idated Arsenal take on Villa this Saturday with new hope following last week's defeat by Stoke City. Up the Arsenal Still smarting from the shock defeat Arsend Wenger commented today, 'Although I didn't see the two goals that Stoke did sc...
Read full storyDidier Drogba Pledges To Stay On His Feet For Children In Need
Under-fire Chelsea striker Didier Drogba has apologised for his 'moment of madness' in the Carling Cup-tie on Wednesday night, when he threw a coin into a crowd of Burnley fans, narrowly missing their eyes, and, to make up for it, has tonight made a...
Read full storyHollywood Movies Not All The Same, Claims Boss
The manager of MGM Studios, Sam Goldmine, today claimed that Hollywood movies are not all the same, or are just rehashing the same ideas year after year. 'Listen', he said, waving a cigar in the air,' just look at our latest features coming out. T...
Read full storyBBC in Pudsey Litigation Storm
Bear Facts Controversy surrounds the BBC again following the annual 'Children in Need Appeal'. For many years the BBC have used 'Pudsey Bear' a partially sighted children's toy as the 'face' of the appeal. However under an agreement that dates bac...
Read full storyWilliam Shatner Admits "Man-Crush" on George Takei
After months of trading insults with George Takei over a perceived wedding snub, William Shatner has invited Takei to be on his new show, "Shatner's Raw Nerve". However, it is apparently not to keep the feud going, but to admit Shatner's long-standi...
Read full storySwingball
In a bid to reduce the cost of running the London Olympics in 2012, a number of new sports have been introduced, in order to replace the more expensive swimming, ice skating, and equestrian events. Tony Blair, former Prime Minister is already in t...
Read full storyYoutube
Enterprising youths in Glasgow, with something interesting on a camcorder have decided against all logic, not to put it on Youtube. Declan McWotsit, and his friends Barney and Alex had found a Unicorn who could speak three languages, whilst splitt...
Read full storyMan who looks, acts, talks and dresses like Simon Cowell is as Gay as a Ferret
A man who bears an uncanny likeness to American Idol judge Simon Cowell has been voted the gayest guy in America. Simon Trowel, from Bay City Michigan, wears chest-high pants, works in the media and entertainment business and even talks with a dis...
Read full storyBush Denies Support Of Fake "New York Times" Iraq War Ends Story
(Washington, D.C.) Soon to be ex-President Bush held a press conference today denying that he initially supported a fake "New York Times" story declaring the Iraq War to be over because he was pulling out U.S. forces. "Let me just say that unlik...
Read full storyRicky Gervais to star in Sesaeme Street
A famed Bafta winning writer is to appear alongside a number of strange characters on American TV. Elmo, the beloved red monster star of Children's Favourite Sesaeme Street, and part time writer of The Wire is to share screen time with Ricky Gerva...
Read full storyChildren in Need News
Following previous years, where previously sober News reader and Weather People have dressed up in tights, dresses and suspenders for Children in Need, this practice is to banned for this year. This follows the recent debacle involving Jonathan Ro...
Read full storyDissappearing churches, Chapter 2: 1,200 year-old basilica surfaces in Syria
Aleppo - (X-Files Mess): The bizarre saga of the vanishing Russian church that suddenly materialised near the Pentagon's Area 51 alien base in Roswell, Nevada, took a sinister new twist today. Reports from Syria allege that the preserved remains o...
Read full storyUFO connection to ancient Celtic gold coins trove
Maastricht - (Brinks-Matt Mess): A treasure trove find of saucer-shaped gold and silver Celtic coins from the first century BC has delighted and stunned Dutch metal detecting enthusiast Paul Curfs. The 47 year-old found the cache of rare Roman boo...
Read full storyRussian church vanishes, materialises near Area 51 Roswell base
Moscow - (X-Files Mess): Kremlin officials are gobsmacked after an 18th century brick-built two storey church 'suddenly vanished' from Bloodyvostock's Ivanovo-Voskresenskaya diocese before materialising thousands of miles away in the USA near the not...
Read full storyEvery Eskimo Voted For Barack Obama
ARCTIC VILLAGE, Alaska - CNN has just learned that all of the 20,000 votes that were cast by Alaskan Eskimos in the presidential election, were all cast for Barack Obama. When Governor Sarah Palin was first informed that not one Alaskan citizen of...
Read full storyPowerful quark emissions from secret navy base blamed for Qantas terror plunge
Singapore - (X-Files Mess): The Pentagon hinted today that potent quark-like emissions from an experimental relativistic quantum field project at a secret US/Australian naval communications base were being blamed for a sudden Qantas Airbus jet dive l...
Read full storyDeodorant Manufacturer's Seek Government Bailout
Washington DC: US House Speaker Nancy Pelosi has met with representatives (not lobbyists) of America's largest deodorant manufacturers. "A stinking world crisis is looming, which we need $5 Billion to alleviate" said the meeting participants as they...
Read full storyMiley Cyrus Panty Drop
In the ever fluctuating, e- trade market of celebrity panties Miley Cyrus's used undergarments were a lock cinch. Not so anymore. Cyrus's panty stock dropped in value almost overnight. Traders across the board were caught unaware and those still caught holding her panties means more to come. I interviewed the CEO and stock expert of one such trading company, ScensexTrade.web "Her pantie...
Read full storyCalifornia: A Roller Coaster Ride for Gay Chickens
California's gay chickens were shocked with mix emotions last Tuesday in California. Early in the night, gay chickens all over the state were ecstatic as the results came in over Proposition 2, which would require that California's farmers allow chickens the right to a comfortable living space. Coronal Sanders sat in the back of Proposition 2 headquarters, happy that his chickens would grow up...
Read full storyExsanguination
America...the country of assumptions. Assuming this...assuming that. Are our charitable ways coming back to haunt us? One thing is certain, we are exsanguiating. financially, morally, physically and literally. As addicts of assumption, let's test these scenarios on our aloof perceptions. As cities scramble to survive financial woes, what will become of all those rogue infidels tucked away in o...
Read full storyWhites Ask: Am I a Closet Racist?
Whites and other non-black groups are questioning their acceptance of blacks as equals in their view and conception of society. With the advent of the election of the nation's first black, (well half, he's high yella), whites/non-blacks , have been thrown into a personal soul searching as to their core beliefs on race. Some of the more tormenting questions in this regard have been gathered a...
Read full storyStealth Tax Cuts to be Introduced
Whitehall 13 Nov 2008 Prime Minister Gordon Brown announced today at Whitehall the introduction of "Stealth Tax Cuts". During the brief press conference he explained that he would be introducing a series of these "Stealth Tax Cuts" to mollify the...
Read full storyScientists discover rare species of homo erectus
In breaking news, Japanese scientists have discovered a unusual species of simian proportions wandering around the summit of Mt Fujiyama. The primate appears to have a perpendicular body, lacking the hunched over appearance of typical ape like cr...
Read full storyHarry Redknapp Faces Further Police Investigation
Police from the Met descended on White Hart Lane this morning to investigate a claim that Tottenham Hotspur manager Harry Redknapp had abused the players' trust, and had 'stroked their egos'. Redknapp, who took over the job at Spurs less than thre...
Read full storyFighting Irish Helmet Inspires Nancy Grace's Hairstyle
The truth surrounding the inspiration for Nancy Grace's long standing hairstyle was revealed this past week during an off-camera interview with "B-List Celebrity Magazine". Resembling a near perfect sphere of bleached blonde hair that encircles the...
Read full storyBurnley Fan Threw Coin At Didier Drogba For Children In Need
The Burnley fan who threw a coin at Chelsea star Didier Drogba after the Ivory Coaster celebrated his goal in Wednesday's Carling Cup defeat, did so for a very good cause - Children In Need. The fan, who cannot be named for legal reasons, claims h...
Read full storyPlucky Prince Picks Poision Chalice and Takes Over At Ailing Wanderers
In an unprecedented move The Prince of Wales, King Charles, is set to take up the reins at ailing football club, Fulham Wanderers. Speaking from his London gaff last night the amiable big-eared lad told us: "Errm...yes...well I just couldn't st...
Read full storyNew dictionary for the hard of thinking
The Oxford University Press have today published a new, fully-illustrated dictionary aimed specifically at the ignorant. Over three pages long (it does actually run to a fourth page, or five if you count the intentionally blank page at the back), it...
Read full storyAustralian Resort Plans 'Anything Goes' Nude Party to Combat Recession Blues
Alice Bedsprings, Australia - Worried about the upcoming world recession? No need. Just book a holiday at Australia's 'Anything Goes' nude party resort to chase those blues away. "Abso-bloddy-lutely! What will happen, will happen," prophesised Cin...
Read full storyGod says he is NOT Obama!
After much celebrations and worshipping of the new President Elect as the saviour by many brain washed zombie people, who now seem to worship him like a god, god himself has made a rare appearance at the Imperial Senate in Washington to tell everyone...
Read full storyLindsay Lohan to have major 'personal' surgery prior to her engagement
The Hollywood actress, singer and money-waster Lindsay Lohan is to have a special operation prior to her engagement to DJ girlfriend Samantha Ronson. According to a tabloid daily newspaper, a close aquaintance of the lesbian couple, Jock Strap, wh...
Read full storyParky and Sachs -- "More than Friends"
Recent attention given to "Fawlty Towers" star Andrew Sachs, (78) has uncovered his "close" friendship with recently retired chat show host Michael Parkinson (73). Sources close to the couple remained tight lipped about the "relationship" however...
Read full storyPope Benedict Has Aids Says Vatican
His Holiness Pope Benedict XVI ,Supreme Pontiff of the Universal Church, Primate of Italy,Bishop of Rome, Leader of the Roman Catholic Church, The Vicar of Christ, Head of State of the Vatican,Servant of the Servants of God,Successor of the Prince of...
Read full storyEarthquake!
In California on Tuesday, Californians accidentally broke the world record for the number of people crouching simultaneously. Harking back to the fifties when school children would regularly crouch under their desks to prepare themselves for a nu...
Read full storyDictionaries to redefine the word 'terrorist'
The Oxford English Dictionary (OED) & Merriam-Webster Online Dictionary jointly announced today that the word 'terrorist' and its derivative 'terrorism' would be redefined to make it more narrower in its scope in view of general public sentiment...
Read full storyLazy Hedge Trimmers Threaten to Return to the Land of Adam Smith to Keep their Wealth of Nations
Corrupt US Congress grilled the Hedge fund Capitalists who won big while the people of the world lost big time. The big billionaires admitted that they always planned to get rich quick off of the losses of bad investments. "We collect the wages...
Read full storyA Hundred Loose Ladies Shocked at HIV Exposure!
More than a hundred ladies who seem to love getting laid by strangers from late night clubs lamented this week when the Health Department called them in for HIV tests. Doris Looselegs said that she never thought her affection for the boyos would...
Read full storyChelsea Faulted by Scolari on Foreplay, Sustaining and Lack of a Big Finish
Louise Felipe Scolari did not spare the feelings of her Chelsea mates in a severe critique of their performances of late. Foreplay came in for the opening reprimand. Scolari told the team in the clubhouse that opening tough defences were an essential...
Read full storyEuro Trash Beauties Diss Putin and His Gaz Prom!
Euro Trash beauty Whores have been hooked on Vladimir Putin's Russian Gas. One emaciated stunner after another told thespoof.addict that they didn't think they could live without Vlad's Vaporous Gases. But that was before European Union leaders...
Read full storyPrince of Wales Reaches New Mandatory Retirement Age Before He Could Be Offered the Crown!
Prince Charles whose Granny and Mammy have been Queens for so long that no one even remembers his family name will reach the new mandatory retirement age of sixty before he could ever bear the weight of the crown. Charles will never be king though he...
Read full storyPentagon To Close Down Camp Batman
It's official now, as of this morning, Camp Batman is closing in the latest cost-cutting measures of the Pentagon, according to General D.C. Kane. "This was a great place in its heyday back in the Sixties", stated General Kane. "We had highly trai...
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