English Professor Disappointed in Hackneyed Divorce
After seven years of marriage, Professor Ernest Williams and his wife Carole have filed for divorce, in a process Williams called "banal and trite". "An affair with a teacher's assistant, Carole walking in on us, my things on the lawn," Williams l...
Read full storyNorthern Irish Accents Recalled After Terrorist Plot
All Northern Irish accents were recalled today by the Irish government, after a massive terrorist plot was uncovered involving pigs, terrorists, and iffy elocution. According to the Irish Cultural Minister, Paddy O'Fernisher, the plot involved the...
Read full storyMorten Andersen Quits Due To Lack Of Bacon
The Atlanta Falcons' kicker, Morten Andersen, the NFL's all-time leading scorer, has retired at the age of 48, an early casualty of the Irish Pork Crisis. The Danish kicker, who scored 2,544 points in a 25-year career, played for Atlanta in the p...
Read full storyUS Legal System is 'Law Unto Itself'
Washington D.C.: In a damning criticism of the US legal system, Freedom Watch, a Washington based rights group, declared Monday that the legal system in the United States had become so all encompassing that it was now "a law unto itself". Speaking...
Read full storyLindsey Lohan On Her Blog
There's nothing like a Lindsay Lohan MySpace blog entry to brighten our day. It really doesn't have to be about anything, either. But as it went on it got interesting. Like yesterday, when she blogged that she was too tired to blog after a hard d...
Read full storyWashington Man Will Fund Bailouts
As various constituencies in the US push for government assistance, the hunt to find someone to pay for it all. Congressional leaders and the incoming Obama administration have settled on Nopott Tapisson, a resident of Washington DC, to foot the bill...
Read full storyCentenarians Top UK Workforce
Phyllis Scrunge, a Smegmadale great-grandmother, celebrated her 100th birthday today by receiving a telegram from the Queen then going out and doing an eight hour coal heaving shift. Mrs. Scrunge, who has buried five husbands (two while still bre...
Read full storyBoy Glues Pictures of Vanessa Hudgens to his Hand. Says it's the best Sex he's Never had.
14-year old Billy Bummer from Asshole, Mississippi says he has glued a picture he tore from a teeny magazine of High School Musical hotty Vanessa Hudgens to his hand and uses it as "inspiration" for marathon wanking sessions behind the bike shed at h...
Read full storyIndian Woman Gives Birth At 70
An Indian woman has given birth to her first child at the age of 70 after receiving IVF treatment, newspapers reported her doctor as saying Monday. Rajo Divi, who married 50 years ago, gave birth to a baby girl on November 28 after in vitro fertil...
Read full story'At least 100 KGB sleeper moles in Parliament' MPs told
London - (Glasnost & Perestroika Mess): There was uproar in the House of Commons debate on the arrest of Damian The Omen Green today after accusations of "concealment, duplicity, whitewash and cover-ups" about a reported additional 100 other KGB...
Read full storyCarphone Whorehouse boss booted from board
London - (Sorry Ass Mess): Carphone Whorehouse co-founder David Ross was booted out of office today after being outed in the pawning of £130 million of company shares against personal buy-toilet property debts. Two years ago Ross, 69, set up a mas...
Read full storyChina Blasts EU-Dalai Lama Meeting
China has lodged a 'velly strong protest' against France over Saturday's ultra-secret meeting in Poland between the French president Nicknack Teakozy and the Dalai Lama. Beijing's Deputy Foreign Minister, FeFi Fo Fum, summoned the French ambassad...
Read full storyPrepubescent 'Satanic Slag' album pic behind Scorpions online rumpus
London - (Lurid Ass Mess): Online disinformation agency Sickiepaedia has been banned in the UK after complaints about a picture of a prepubescent 'Satanic Slag' promoting German band The Scorpions's 1976 Virgin Killer album. The cover features a s...
Read full storyCorrection: Diana Vickers DID NOT Shit Her Knickers
A spoof writer has reacted quickly to criticism that a report about the X Factor contestant Diana Vickers "shitting her knickers" was, in fact, pure fabrication, by informing the story's author, Monkey Woods, that he must exercise a greater degree of...
Read full storyMeek believers take to the streets in Athens
Members of the Society for Determined Meekness took to the streets of Athens Greece today to voice their strong opposition to the Vatican's recent declaration that the meek shall not necessarily inherit the earth. When confronted with significant...
Read full storyDerby County Still The Worst Team In Premiership History
Derby County Football Club, who were relegated from the Premier League last season, are still the worst-ever team to have played in the top flight, after West Bromwich Albion drew 1-1 with Portsmouth on Sunday, and surpassed the Rams' record-lowest t...
Read full storyGordon's Recruitment Pyramid Scheme
In a new employment initiative announced yesterday the UK government announced that it is to set up a chain of 200 recruitment agencies. The recruiters will recruit more recruiters for more recruitment agencies until there is a recruitment agency...
Read full storySecond Life Inflationary Nightmare
Bad news for home owners in the virtual world of second life as the virtual terrorists have been at it again. The Linden Dollar (L$) is the currency for this pretend world which people are paid for doing jobs and selling items that they have made.
Read full storyPakistani President Asif Ali Zardari Makes a Move on Condoleeza Rice
Islamabad (Dissociated Press)- Since the assassination of his wife, former Prime Minister Benazir Bhutto, President Zardari has been on the prowl for a mate. Preferably, one that is active in US politics. After being rejected by Governer Sarah Palin...
Read full story"Get back on the Fags and Booze!" - Darling
In a complete about face, unusual in politics, the Chancellor, Alistair Darling yesterday urged the nation, "Go on!, Get back on the Fags and Booze!" Worried by a huge fall in revenue and the need to top up the tax coffers, the gov't has overuled...
Read full storyKen Barlow brings peace to Iraq
Unbelievable, but since Iraqi TV began showing "Coronation St" 6 months ago, violence has decreased by 87% on the streets of Iraq. Where force and diplomacy have failed, "Our Ken" and the cast of "Coro" have had a huge impact on the situation in t...
Read full storyArea Man Left Millions by Previously Unknown Middle-Eastern Relative
Kearney, NE - Local man Declan Sheehy related his good fortune to reporters Tuesday after a previously unknown relative left him $15,500,000 following their untimely demise. Speaking from the front of his now vacant 12th St. apartment Mr Sheehy,...
Read full storyUS Government in move to wipe out Japan / Hurricane causing Butterflies
Washington D.C - In what's being called a far-sighted and audacious move by environmentalists and security experts alike, the US Government today announced that it's seeking to eliminate Japan - and by extension Japan's hurricane causing butterflie...
Read full storyMan in Moon Considers Career Change
The Moon, Space: The Man in the Moon told friends Sunday he's considering a career change, a move that would bring an end to a career that made him a familiar face all over the world. The Man in the Moon (birth name Andrew Gilligan),who was employ...
Read full storyPharoah Barak the First Promises Public Works Will Revive the Economy
America's first Pharoah elect has declared that unprecedented public works projects will revive the US economy. Land reclamation projects along the Potomac are promising bumper crops of cotton and papyrus. Neighboring West Virginia will become the ne...
Read full storyNFL To Ban The Mentioning Of A Player's College
BOWLING GREEN, Ohio - The National Football League has just instituted a directive that states that beginning with the 2009-2010 season, football announcers and sports commentators will no longer be allowed to mention a player's college everytime the…
Read full storyEagles Pick Giant Corpse Clean; Plexico Wins Jail Yard Game for the Greenhaven Giants
The Plexico B-less Giants froze up in the frigid winds of Giant Stadium and got picked to the bone by the scavengers from Philly. Meanwhile Prisoner # 171717 caught ten touchdown passes from inmate # 11111 and won the biggest game in the Greenhaven M...
Read full storyLarry Summers Says : Women Don't Know Beans about Science...But $$$ is a Whore of a Different Color
When Obama new Economic Chieftain was Harvard President he told women that they just couldn't do science and then lost his job. The ladies who still loved Larry strove to rehabilitate his rep and his latest reincarnation is Barack's Econ guru.
Read full storyChinese Reintroduce Foot Binding to Reduce Carbon Footprint
Bejing - The ancient Chinese custom of foot binding is being studied by China as one means of reducing their carbon foot print. With just over 1.3 billion people China represents a full 20% of the world's population. With one in five people on the pl...
Read full story'Sell-Out' Russell Brand Dedicates Award To His Blobby Rich Friend Ross!
Dirty-Sex man and slimy foul-mouthed coward Russell Brand; ran off like a baby girl, to America, after swearing at a lovely pensioner. He now has breezed back to the UK, without a care in the world to pick up some award and probably some penicillin.
Read full storyObama Movie Flawed
A tele-movie on the childhood of Barrack Obama starring Gary Coleman has been panned by the Democratic Party who describe the piece as "ridiculous and wildly innaccurate" claiming that at no time did a young Obama ever use the catch cry "whatchu talk...
Read full storyBush Works Hard to Keep Status Of 'Worst President Of All Time'
President-reject Bush in an effort to keep his status as 'Worst President of All Time' is enacting legislation to screw things up as much as possible before he leaves office. Well into the countdown for his eviction from office the lame-cluck Preside...
Read full storyRudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer in Training for Christmas Eve Flight
North Pole, Alaska - Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer has been spotted doing some weight training up in the North Pole. He is dragging around old boxes loaded up with frozen snow to build stamina for the upcoming Christmas Eve flight around the world.
Read full storyEngland Cricket Team Will Try To End Indian Tests Quickly
The England cricket team will honour its agreement to play the two-Test series in India, but players have said they hope the matches will be over as soon as is humanly possible. It's thought that this will entail England allowing themselves to be...
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