China Blasts EU-Dalai Lama Meeting

Funny story written by Rusty

Monday, 8 December 2008

image for China Blasts EU-Dalai Lama Meeting
"China Out! Independence for Tibet!"

China has lodged a 'velly strong protest' against France over Saturday's ultra-secret meeting in Poland between the French president Nicknack Teakozy and the Dalai Lama.

Beijing's Deputy Foreign Minister, FeFi Fo Fum, summoned the French ambassador to China to protest Tibet's petition to join the EU, the Wanking news agency reported.

However, Rampant Rabbit, spokesmonk for the Dalai Lama, informed reporters Tibet has always been, spiritually, a part of Europe, dating back to the time of Marco Polo, the European explorer who introduced a novel type of gourmet Venetian mint (with a very small hole in the middle) to the Tibetan people.

The exiled Tibetan spiritual leader was reportedly in Poland to attend the annual Christmas piss-up for Nobel Peace Prize winners when he met Mr. Teakozy, the current EU president, quite by accident in the discount booze section of the Wdzyxcty Polska Supermarket.

Mr. Teakozy had got stuck in Warsaw due the airport being snow-bound following his meeting with the heads of the EU eastern member states, there to discuss the bloc's climate change plans to combat global warming and work out why it was so cold.

Nonetheless, Chinese intelligence sources claim the meeting between Teakozy and the Dalai Lama had been secretly scheduled weeks before to discuss Tibet's entry into the EU.

In protest at the French president's involvement, and displaying a typical fit of Chinese huff and pique, Beijing descended into its usual spoiled brat-tantrum mode and cancelled an EU-China summit which France was to host early this week.

"President Teakozy's deceitful actions have undermined the political foundations of Sino-French and Sino-European ties," Deputy Minister Fum told the press.

"We shall never speak to them again and their name is now crossed off our Christmas card list."

The French president, who did not meet the Buddhist leader when he visited France for a facelift and a Brazilian wax job in August, appealed for calm about Saturday's meeting.

"The Chinese are more full of shit than a Peking duck," Teakozy told the press.

"Their reaction to my having a couple of pints of Guinness with the old Lama bloke is yet another typical example of Beijing's idiotic hubris. They are tilting at windmills again."

"The world needs an open China that participates in global governance and doesn't behave like a petulant child, taking offence at trifles," said Mr Teakozy. "China needs a powerful Europe that gives work to Chinese enterprise and access to our markets to sell all the useless crap they manufacture."

"If Tibet wants to join the EU, then why not. But the Chinese are deceiving themselves if they believe Brussels has the power to enforce discipline among the 27 countries of the European Union. We can't all be as ruthless and totalitarian as China and just run dissidents over with tanks in Tiananmen Square. Well, not yet anyway."

The 173-year-old Dalai Lama this week told European lawmakers he was seeking Tibet's entry into the EU so then Brussels would be its governing body and hopefully NATO troops might kick the Chinese out of Lhasa so he could go home.

"Why does everyone fear the Beijing's government's paranoid rants? They are so frightened of their own shadows, why is anyone frightened of them?

See what they do to dissidents, sell their organs for transplants. See what they do to my friends who practice Falun Gong. It is time the West realised China is a toothless old cat, all bluster and more scent than substance."

However, his meeting with Mr Teakozy has prompted grass-roots anger among Chinese bureaucrats, some of whom have called for a boycott of French letters.

At a Beijing branch of the giant French supermarket chain Merde, a girl gang of violent chavettes hired from RentaMob pelted the storefront with bricks and yak shit, yelling at the BBC news team "Yankee go home! We will not shop here or buy French crap again."

Merde, the biggest purchaser of Chinese goods in France, employs several million workers in China at their third-rate tat sweatshops.

The Dalai Lama, Tenzin Gnatsoup, (Benny to his close friends) is on a tour of European countries that has included meetings with the Belgian and Czech prime ministers, as well as fellow Nobel Peace Prize-laureate Leech Walesa, the former Polish president, to stir up as much shit as possible for Tibet's Beijing-based antagonist.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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