Kearney, NE - Local man Declan Sheehy related his good fortune to reporters Tuesday after a previously unknown relative left him $15,500,000 following their untimely demise.
Speaking from the front of his now vacant 12th St. apartment Mr Sheehy, an unemployed steel shed manufacturer, revealed that a chance email, mistakenly delivered to his junk mail tray, had informed him of his lucky break.
"I was checking through my junk folder last Monday when I noticed an email from one Ibrahim Hassan. Given that most of my junk emails are advertising hot teen chicks from porn sites, when I saw one from a man it naturally grabbed my attention."
In the email Mr. Hassan - Branch Manager of the First Gulf Bank in Abu Dhabi - informed Mr. Sheehy that a distant relative, little known oil magnate Aash Al Maleek, died when an Air Egypt flight had crashed in North Africa, making Mr. Sheehy the sole heir to his personal fortune.
"You can imagine my surprise. There I was, just coming off a marathon masturbation session, and I find out that some Arab dude I didn't even know had left me some serious dough. There was only one problem. If nobody claimed Al Maleek's money within the week, it would revert to the ownership of the (U.A.E) Government.
"Time was short. Plus I was stealing my neighbor's wireless Internet and I was afraid they'd turn their wireless router off before I printed off the email, which the cheap fucks are wont to do. The instructions were simple. Mr. Hassan said I needed to provide him with my full name, address and social security number so his attorney could prepare the legal documents, which of course I did. And those guys were great. They even deposited the money into the bank account that I also emailed them the details for."
But surely there was a catch. Were there no fees involved?
"Well, in his email Mr. Hassan did say that he would take a percentage cut, but he did have to work hard to find me after all. In his email he said he wanted 10% of the total but he dropped that to 5% when I explained that if I hadn't checked my junk folder he'd have gotten nothing. So, while I didn't get the whole amount, I'm still left with, well, you do the math. All I know is that this month the food stamps will go a lot farther than they normally do.
And as for the new branch to his family tree, where did that spring from?
"Beats me. I heard the local rumors about Gramma, you know, 'bury her in a Y-Shaped coffin', that kind of thing. I'm just glad that the rumors were true. So maybe she was a total slut. Maybe she had a kid and adopted it off, she was an unmarried Irish Catholic after all. And I salute her for it. If Al Maleek had grown up in my family he'd probably have been a complete loser."
Asked how he's going to spend his new found money Sheehy wouldn't elaborate only to say he was looking for a new house with neighbors who played fast and loose with their Internet connection.
