Child Support Agency Looks for God's Help
The Child Support Agency today announced the formation of a special "Cold Case Files" department. It will consist of a number of temporary units tasked with researching and finding missing spouses or partners for financial support of childr...
Read full storyBritish Museum plans daft new £100m complex
Londpn - (Ass Mess): Not content with its dodgy past heritage that saw it built from the myriad pillagings of foreign civilizations' antiquities, heirlooms and archaeological treasures, the British Museum is embarking on yet another fiasco to add...
Read full storyTrailer Trash Doherty living under London's Westway dual carriageway
London - (Ass Mess): Babyshambles singer Pete Doherty has moved into his bijou, open-plan, post-modernist, uniquely-appointed estate-agents' dream trailer under the West London dual carriageway called Westway.
Read full storyAmericans Divided Over Who The Real Americans Are
Santa Clarita, CA- Even a national holiday cannot stem the river of commerce, as revelers packed the parking lot of the local Wal-Mart for last-minute purchases. Filling their SUVs with bargain bags of charcoal and cases of drinks, shoppers were eag...
Read full storyMillionaire, 75, To Wed 21 y.o. Stripper
(Malibu) - In another example of older man/younger woman relationships, 75-year-old Will Grabbem, of Mailbu, California, is set to wed 21-year-old Igot Implantz, of Santa Monica, next month.
Read full storyMcCain Introduces New Immigration Bill
Due to his rapidly deteriorating poll numbers among conservatives, John McCain introduced a new bill on the Senate floor today.
Read full storyDiverse Groups Join Forces to Weaken Terrorism
New York, NY (IP)- A diverse group consisting of the press, institutions of finance, and governments (PIGF) has joined forces to take the wind out of the sails of the international terror machine. In a rare victory for common sense these groups have...
Read full story"Lewis too quick." F1 Bosses Say.
In a rare move today, F1 officials emerged from a meeting and stated that rookie driver Lewis Hamilton would have to carry a handicap for the rest of the season.
Read full storyBrown's outsource the monarchy shock
GORDON Brown may carry through sweeping reform of Britain's confused constitutional situation by taking the prudent option and outsourcing the monarchy.
Read full storyHSBC: our 7/7/07 numerology fears
Hong Kong - (Ass Mess): Mounting tension among banking giant HSBC's numerology consultants has reached paranoid levels according to Hong Kong sources watching Chinese market movements ahead of this weekend's fabled 7/7/07 date.
Read full storyWindows Vista: Patches and Fixes
Windows Vista---worth the money? Well, it definitely is if you're like me---well-connected to a very high-placed sales rep at PC Magazine who sold me his copy for $35 and my DVD of Leprechaun, which, friends and neighbors, I've had for so long that he's forgotten IT'S ACTUALLY HIS (SCORE!!) But predictably, Bill Gates's newest offering is full of problems. Simply right...
Read full storySeveral Movies I Could Have Ruined If Only I Had Just Been Given the Chance
Lord of the Rings Frodo discovers Sudoku halfway through the adventure and from that point on can't even be bothered to look up from the goddamn page once in a while...
Read full storyThis Week's Chicken Specials
Perdue Farms chicken---mass-produced, chickens kept inhumanely $4.99 per pound...
Read full storyTen Movies I Will Never Make
1) "It's an out-of-this-world holiday romp that'll have you on a rocketship to fun!"...
Read full storyTen Captions for Lesser-Known Garfield Cartoons
1) I'M ALMOST CERTAIN IT'S ONLY A PLUSH TOY, BUT MAN, I WOULDN'T MIND GETTIN' ON SOME OF THAT...
Read full storyDoherty slams Kate Moss as paranoid old slag
London - (Rioters): Babyshambles musician Pete Doherty has slammed Kate Moss as a paranoid old slag whose jealousies drove him over the edge into crack cocaine use.
Read full storyYuletide Fire Log Videos In Review
It may only be July, but it's never to early to think about just which Yuletide Fire Log video you've got to add to your holiday collection. Here's the skinny on the best of the best on DVD: Yuletide Fire Log * * *...
Read full storyCraig Bellamy To Be "Thrown Out Of Liverpool"
Liverpool manager Rafa Benitez has told reporters that the days of troublesome striker Craig Bellamy at the club are numbered. The Spaniard has recently added fellow countryman Fernando Torres to his squad, and along with Peter Crouch, Dirk Kite,...
Read full storyPrincess's son court bid fails
Royal Courts of Justice, London - (Ass Mess): A man claiming to be the illegitimate son of Princess Margaret and Ronald Ronald Reagan has failed in his court bid to get a slice of her estate and that of the Queen Mother.
Read full storyCommuting or Conjugal? Confused Pimp Daddy Bush Frees Libby
While many people across the country are outraged at President Bush's commuting the sentence of Scooter Libby those in Washington blame Vice President Dick Cheney for fooling the gullible President.
Read full storyRepublicans Propose Solution to Global Warming
Today a Republican led committee proposed what the Bush Administration is hailing as "the" solution to global warming. Scientists have developed a prototype of a machine that can lower the temperature around it by several degrees.
Read full storyTennis Breaks out at Wimbledon
AFTER the most successful run of uninterrupted rain - record-breaking fucking buckets of the stuff - a potential three-day outbreak of tennis is set to mar the final weekend of Wimbledon.
Read full storyeBay :: Paris Hilton Garbage Big Seller
HOLLYWOOD (PARIS HILTON's TRASH CAN) -- Paris Hilton's crumpled shopping list is for sale on eBay. Item Number: 110145031520. Have not bid. Must phone my Editor. Starting bid: US $45.00. Postage: US $9.00 Redwood framed.
Read full storyIraq war blamed on faulty SatNav
GEORGE W Bush this week admitted the war in Iraq was a mistake but blamed the invasion on his Satnav system.
Read full storySmoker's rebellion: Landlord moves pub outside
Britain's first totally outdoor bar was opened in the small hamlet of Smokington-on-Sea today.
Read full storyKeith Richards to play Larry King in biopic...
Universe studios: After starring in the third pirates movie in a cameo role, Keith Richards, the Rolling bones rockstar, is all set to show his acting prowess in a brand new movie to be directed by Al Gore.
Read full storyAirport protester arrested, cigarette put out
Glasgow - Police described the fire at Glasgow Airport today as "total madness".
Read full storyMuslims "Afraid To Go Out" Say Leaders
British Muslims are afraid to leave their own homes because they are fearful for their lives, say leaders at a mosque in Birmingham. Many feel that they will be 'eyeballed', shouted or spat at, and even punched and kicked according to Imam Ali Ak...
Read full storyMaxwell Smart Forgot that the Cone of Silence Doesn't Work on Diaries
CCN (Crazy Cal News) - TheSpoof.com - Maxwell Smart forgot that the Cone of Silence doesn't work on books. He wrote a diary exposing some of his most devious deeds in history, including killing Cock Robin. The diary was exposed by Jalapenoman,...
Read full storyCheney Framed Young Albert Gore
Orange County, California (The Scallion) - Dick Cheney (code named 'ANGLER') ordered a Gestapo unit to track down Al Gore III and to plant contraband on him.
Read full story'Damn Mexican' Surpasses Bill Gates as World's Richest Human Being
MEXICO CITY (Reuterus) - Mexican businessman Carlos 'Shady' Slim has a net worth of nearly $68 billion dollars, surpassing the wealth of Microsoft's Bill Gates. Most of the increase in Mr. Slim's wealth is due to recent trends in the...
Read full storyNewfoundland Ferry Nearly Capsizes due to Unruly Behavior
Port aux Basques, Newfoundland (The Gulf News) - Roger Flood, President & CEO of Marine Atlantic Inc. which provides ferry service between Newfoundland & Labrador and Nova Scotia, announced a near-sinking of one of the world's largest vessels las...
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