There were 70 spoof news stories published in March 2002. You can use the calendar on the right hand side to get news stories from a day in this month.
Coronation Street Star gets Kylie's Arse
Coronation Street's master butcher, Fred Elliot, was the envy of the Showbiz world when he bought Kylie's bum at a charity auction. The auction was held because the gorgeous megastar decided that it was only fair to share the 'leftovers' from the...
Read full storyNigella Lawson and Ronald McDonald to divorce
"It just wasn't working out between us" claimed Nigella, 73, emerging from the solicitors office with Ronald McDonald. "I was on the bounce from John (Diamond, her previous husband who died a few years ago, was a top journalist and to whom this r...
Read full storyRobert Mugabe Goes Nude Ice Skating
Robert Mugabe celebrated his election victory, yesterday, by opening the 'Idi Amin' outdoor ice skating rink in the Zimbabwe capital, Harare.
Read full storyWoman Suffers Death By Max Bygraves
Police are investigating how a Yorkshire woman was killed today when a recording of Max Bygraves's song 'You Need Hands' became stuck in her CD player's replay mode. "We estimate the song played well over three hundred times," said Inspector Moros...
Read full storyPhil 'The Power' Taylor wins Dutch Pop Idol
Darts legend, 9 times SKOL world champion, Phil 'The Power' Taylor has shocked pop fans in Holland by winning through the arduous Pop Idol Competition. "Admittedly, the Dutch competition isn't as difficult as the British one, but Holland is a big...
Read full storyTime 'Criminals' To Be Penalised! Clock detector vans to round up offenders!
The government has issued a stern warning to the British public: put your clocks forward before 2am on the 31st of March and face the consequences. "It is an offence and legal action will be taken against any offenders," Time Minister, Gerald Smith t...
Read full storyHero Squirrel Thwarts Nemesis
David the makeup wearing (though fully heterosexual) squirrel has, today, successfully thwarted the evil plan of his arch enemy Dr. Evil Squirrel, who was attempting to gain access to the USA's nuclear missile launch codes. Dr. Evil Squirrel (kno...
Read full storyBobby Davro is EMINEM
Bobby Davro, considered one of the greatest living comedians has announced that he is the real slim shady! The announcement brings an end to rumours that Bobby Davro had started selling carpets. "Yeah" he said "I am the mastermind behind Eminem.
Read full storyBill Gates Kills Linux
Bill Gates, the money grabbing monopolist, yesterday achieved his aim of killing Linux when Linus Torvalds, the eminent creator of what is acclaimed to be "the best OS in the world today" was savagely murdered by a Microsoft designed virus. The ne...
Read full storySlipknot Hire Llewelyn Bowen
In what is being heralded as the most surprising move in any band's career, thrash metallers "Slipknot" have hired the talents of interior designer Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen. Bowen, 36 is rumoured to be thrilled by the new prospect, and is already in t...
Read full storyGovernment spy bulbs
In a shocking discovery made by intrepid wannabe scientist, Mark Bramwell, it has been found that every single lightbulb in every single house in every single street on every single... Umm every single light bulb contains top secret high-tech govern...
Read full storyGreek Spies Await Decision
A group of Greek holidaymakers are been held in Britain indefinitely whilst a decision is being made as to whether they should be formally charged with spying. The twelve-strong group, disguised as two families, first aroused suspicions whe...
Read full storySaddam Take-Out Plans Revealed
The United States has revealed its audacious plans to remove Saddam Hussain from power in Iraq. This comes after fresh accusations of him using weapons of mass-destruction to feed infants as young as seventeen years old. President Bush said in hi...
Read full storyThatcher's Gob Dead!
Margaret Thatcher pretty much died this week, now that she's unable to spook politicians with her outspoken brain-thoughts. TheSpoof.com takes a look back at her mouth's life? 1959 - Elected as Member of Parliament for the first time. A yout...
Read full storyCement man eats fruit fly shocker
It has recently been reported that the worlds smallest cement man, handily named Cement Man, has devoured a fruit fly! These shocking events were unveiled earlier this week, it has created a massive response world-wide with riots in every major ci...
Read full storyCome and have a go if you think you're hard enough
In retailiation to recent threats given by the American and British governments, SADDAM HUSSEIN president of Iraq, has given, what can only be described as a "two-fingered-salute" to the western world. In a video statement that was supplied to The...
Read full storyIsrael Attacks Arafat's Pants
Israeli warplanes have attacked the symbolic target of Yasser Arafat's underpants drawer and the strategic Ramallah quarry. Arafat's personalised "Hail to the Chief" underpants represent his leadership of the Palestinian embryonic state, one that...
Read full storyGuantanamo Bay Prisoners Get More
In an attempt to compromise with the demands being put forward in court by families of the prisoners being held there, US military officials are increasing the rights of all suspects at Guantanamo Bay, of which there are now in excess of 300. The...
Read full story70s police drama addict caused Sept 11 crash
It has been revealed that the plane which struck the South Tower of the World Trade Centre had been hijacked by a Jordanian former traffic policeman with a mania for straight-to-video 70s cop films. Mr Abdul Love Hewitt III, latterly of Monterrey...
Read full storySmiling Norman Tossed Off By Loose Slag
The earth certainly moved for lucky Norman Gingham last Saturday night. "What an experience," he told us from his home yesterday. "It's the first time anything remotely like this has happened to me, I can tell you. What a bloody night that was!"...
Read full storyEaster Bunny retires after family tragedy
The Easter Bunny has retired from the business after a long and prosperous reign as the number 1 chocolate delivering animal. His retirement came very shortly after police released information that 3 of Mr. Bunny's 5,258 children were taken hostage a...
Read full storyNearly the end of the world
It should have been the end of the world earlier this morning as a huge asteroid slammed into the Earth at an unimaginable speed. Fortunately for us, another asteroid crashed into us from the exact opposite angle at the exact same time causing bo...
Read full storyCrooks Never Sleep
It was another hot December's day, and I'd had all but loaded the Station Wagon when to my suprise I found a Man sleeping in the backseat. I ran inside my 2-bedroom home, dashed through the kitchen, and decided to take my mind off of what I had seen...
Read full storyBritish curlers to pose naked
Having been the toast of the country, British gold medallist curlers have really felt the publicity drought recently. This has influenced their recent announcement that they are to pose naked for 'front' magazine.
Read full storyThe Fisherman
It all started to happen about 89 years ago when I was forced to become something the world has once and will never see anything like what I've become.. what I've become. For the past couple of years, the changes have appeared to be wired. I'll sta...
Read full storyObesity-Related Injuries Reported
Mr. Homer Bloat, of Altoona, Pennsylvania, was arrested by police last week for his part in an incident in which several people were injured. Mr. Bloat, who is very corpulent (and whose nickname in Immoblie Home), was given a jogging suit by his w...
Read full storyAll cartoon characters are real
There is a point every person's life where they find out that cartoons are not real. This happens at the tender age of 5 in the summer as the parents want them out of the house. The sucide rate at this time is phenomenal. However, cartoon char...
Read full storyHollywood Grows Child Stars
Hollywood studios recently admitted that their child stars are specially bred for filming. This child star breeding, Hollywood executives revealed, began long ago - when there just weren't enough child actors to go around. In those days, everyone...
Read full storyStuffed Bunny, Mr Floppels, Disappears.
KETCHUM, WY -- Tragedy struck the Shiny Smiles Community Play Center last Wednesday when Samantha Togglson's beloved stuffed bunny Mr. Floppels mysteriously disappeared. At 2 o'clock as Sam and her mother Helen Togglson were leaving the center, w...
Read full storySmart Arse Northerner cracks Cockney Rhyming
Alan Arkwright, a cheeky Northern smart arse, threw the East End of London into disarray, when he claimed to have cracked Cockney rhyming slang! "Cor blimey guv!" was the shocked response of Arthur Fowler, a very old Cockney person. "Even blee...
Read full storyCold Woman Faces Death Penalty
Florida woman Irma Kowalski faces the death penalty if convicted on bio-terrorism charges after knowingly spreading the feared cold virus. Florida State Police Department were flooded with calls after Mrs Kowalski was seen sneezing, coughing, and...
Read full storyGareth Gates can speak!
In a shocking revelation, TheSpoof.com has found out that Gareth GGGGGGGGGates can actually speak properly. He announced this after revealing that Will only announced he was Gay due to him losing a contest of truth or dare, and the same apparently ap...
Read full storyRaw Rainbowfish Ryvita Rage
Ryvita, UK's largest selling crispbread vendor, have received an enormous amount of complaints from unhappy customers. All seem to be complaining about a fishy taste in their famous crispbread. Scientists have analysed a few samples and have found un...
Read full storyGordon Burns: "I am KRYPTOMAN"
"Superman was allergic to anything krypto-. I thrive on the stuff!" claimed Gordon Burns, former host of The Krypton Factor and proud owner of the smallest head in show business, before a press conference. Burns went on to explain that his super p...
Read full storySir Elton John Asked To Sing At QM's Funeral
The remaining members of the Royal Family have asked Sir Elton John to sing "There's No-one Quite Like Grandma" at The Queen Mother's funeral. The song - which was so beautifully sung by St Winifred's Girl's School Choir back in 1981 to commemorate t...
Read full storyDead Queen Mum causes havoc
The death of the Queen Mother has caused chaos throughout the world. The greatest effect is that to the most important institution in the world: British Television. The two main channels, BBC1 and ITV1, have decided to cancel all programming on t...
Read full storyWife Forces Man to Buy Minivan
The mood was somber at Rico's Southwestern Tavern last night as five men came together to mourn the lost youth of David Chambers, whose wife forced him to buy a minivan. "Look at that thing!" Chambers exclaimed, sorrowfully pointing to the burgund...
Read full storyJerry Springer kills the Roswell Aliens
We shall never know all the sinister details of the 'Roswell Aliens Cover-up'. One irrefutable fact, however, is that the surviving aliens went to live in England until March 2002 when they were 'killed' by none other than the celebrated Jerry Spri...
Read full storyBlonde Bombshell In Breaststroke Bugger-Up!
Pretty regional swimming champion Claudia Bartlett was so close to reaching her ambitious target of swimming 20 kilometres, but had to stop just fifty agonising metres from the end of the marathon record attempt. The tearful twenty-two year-...
Read full storyAndrea yates found dead
Murderer and insane crazy b*tch Andrea Yates has been found dead in her cell. Security camera footage has shown her mother running in with a knife and stabbing her repeatedly in the chest screaming "I'm sorry, I'm just a bad mother!!!" The footage...
Read full storyRap Star Deletes Interludes
American rap star Jermaine Dupri's new album should still be released this Summer despite the accidental wiping of his answerphone messages. The deleted messages were intended to form 11 interludes between the four new tracks. A spokesman for his...
Read full storyNew Linux Mascot Created
Following up on last months exclusive report on the "branching out" of Linux mascot Tux the penguin, this privileged reporter has been shown official primary sketches of what has been confirmed as the replacement for Tux. The character is a large-...
Read full storyBlair's Worrying Wrinkly Erections
Tony Blair was in jubilant mood, today, because he had solved the problem of funding pensions for the ageing population. "It's so simple" he enthused, "I'll kill the wrinkly old gits off with my new 'wonder- drug', which I've named DIE-AGRA". "Thi...
Read full storyUpdate: Small Girl's Stuffed Rabbit Missing!
KETCHUM, WY -- At 7:30 pm last Wednesday Jim Togglson, husband of Helen Togglson, sat down to have a "brewski", and watch the local news. Jim got comfortable in his La-Z-Boy Nelson, and stuck his hand down the side in search of the television remote...
Read full storyNations Prepare for World War
Thirty-six nations are currently arming themselves and preparing for battle as a result of the 2002 Winter Olympic Games in Salt Lake City, Utah. The Olympics, which are technically supposed to promote world harmony, caused nothing but scandal and...
Read full storyMasturbation=Bad??
That's right people. A new study by the institute of Pointless Research has found that every time a person masturbates, they in fact, manage to kill a kitten. The study took 70 people, male and female, randomly kidnapped from the street and had...
Read full storyMichelangelo - The Missing Years
A recently-published book reveals that Renaissance painter, Michelangelo actually disappeared for three years. Albert Crust, author of 'Michelangelo Actually Disappeared For Three Years', explains: "It was during the painting of the Sistine Chapel...
Read full storyTeen Meets Carson Daly, Realizes He's a Dick
After waiting in the cold New York Winter for nearly three hours 16 year-old Kristin Myers finally was invited up to the prestigous TRL Studio. "It was really cold that day and my friend Jenny and I were super-excited when they told us we could g...
Read full storyBasingstoke Pensioner Accused Of Stockpiling Jif
Basingstoke pensioner Mrs Alma Potter (87) claimed today that she had been named by US President George Dubya Bush as the next likely target in his war against terrorism. Speaking through the letterbox of her terraced home at number seven Albion S...
Read full storyActor's Jowls Explode
Geoffrey Palmer's jowls have exploded. The blast which was heard by neighbours happened at around 6am this morning. Mr Palmer, best known for his lugubrious roles in sitcoms is said to be "looking less lugubrious". The jowls have been steadil...
Read full story17 Year-Old Wants It To Be Clear That He Isn't Gay
Casey Douglas, a 17 year-old Junior at Mona Shores High Schools wants it to be perfectly clear that he is indeed not a homosexual. Douglas makes this claim after years of speculation. The speculation is due to Douglas involvement in with the dance...
Read full storyMore Concern Rises After Another Hospital Cock-up
The NHS is being put under increasing pressure after one of their hospitals in Nottingham made yet another cock-up. Instead of connecting nearly twenty-five of their patients' to a machine designed to simulate the heart, they got a big sledgehamme...
Read full storyFriends Cast Member Sighted At Walt's Tavern
RIBERA, NM - Ribera radio station 94.3 KGUN runs a daily segment called "celebrity sighting". This is where anyone within listening range of the station calls in to report having seen a celebrity the night before. DJ Rob "spinnin" Jones said ab...
Read full storyWarnock's Gang Mean Business!
Neil Warnock and his Sheffield United football team - who on Saturday successfully kicked the shit out of a West Brom side who mistakenly thought they were playing in a football match - have been asked to stand down as players and become supporters i...
Read full storyCelebrities to be Privatised?
Celebrities are to be made more efficient, and finally receive the investment they deserve when plans to fund them with private finance are unveiled by the Briton Party this week. A number of different concepts are being toyed with. They are as f...
Read full storyZimbabwe Election: Mugabe Turns on Blacks
President Mugabe, the Zimbabwean electoral spoilsport, has declared vengeance upon the black population of his country. He also banned the movement of limbs during election week, reducing the chance of it being a free and fair vote. In a speech m...
Read full storyEngland Threaten To Boycott World Cup
TheSpoof can reveal that the entire England football squad - led by 'Captain Goldenballs' himself, David Beckham - are on the verge of pulling out of this summer's World Cup finals in Japan and South Korea. "They're going to spoil it for th...
Read full story"Ali Me" Film Offends Ethnics
The latest film that's expected to get 14-year-old kids repeating his sweary catch phrases, is released this week. The film: "I'm A White Man that Does Them Nigga Phrases", stars Ali Me, a character devised by self-proclaimed genius Jama Viceroy-Plag...
Read full storyAngel of Death Retires
After one thousand years and millions of cases handled, the time has come for the man in black to step down. Reporter Will Da Thrill caught up with Death at the airport for a quick interview. WDT - So Mr. Death how does it feel to retire? AOD-...
Read full storyRejected by Letterman, ABC Set To Hire Bin Laden
The American Broadcasting Network (ABC), having been turned down by David Letterman and already having strained relations with Ted Koppel of Nightline and Bill Maher of Politically Incorrect, is branching outside of the normal entertainment circles t...
Read full storyAll is Fair in Love and War
It has been reported by scientists at the University of Berkley, California, that 'all really is fair in love and war'. The study, part funded by the Pentagon and the Seventh-day Adventist Church of America Ltd, surveyed couples in the West-Texas ar...
Read full storyGermany : Introduce Single European Nation Now
Buoyed by the recent successful introduction of the single European currency, German chancellor Gerhard Schroeder has put forward controversial plans that he claims will unify Europe to levels never before seen. "What we need is a strong nation to...
Read full storyHandbags Get Turbocharged
In a somewhat surprising move, boots the chemist have today introduced miniature jet engines into their small range of ladies' handbags. The engines are said to vary from a V6 to a V12, and also differ in their gearing - some are a mere single speed,...
Read full storyJury: Buck did not cause 9/11
Peter Buck was not responsible for the 9/11th September 11th atrocities, a court in Middlesex has decided. Happy New Yorkers now call for a tribute to the REM pensioner. The verdict comes as a relief for the REM guitarist, who claimed, "the only...
Read full storyQueen Mother - Alive!
Representatives from the union of Documentary and Tributary Film Makers will today travel to Buckingham Palace to protest about the queen mother's seemingly endless longevity. "We've had the queen mother's life tributes in the can since 1961," sai...
Read full storyWoman Goes to Work With Wet Hair
POTEAU, AK -- Thursday morning, in an act that defied all logic, Tamera Patterson arrived at her Stallion Food Mart job, with wet hair. Fellow workers were confused and awestruck by the events of that day. James Frier, a stock boy at Stallion Food...
Read full story1337 haX0rs GeT SpElLiNg hElP fR0M M$ w0rD
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Read full storyIsraelibus Introduces Suicide Saver Ticket
Israeli bus company officials today unveiled their new 'Suicide Saver' ticket that promises significant savings on the cost of a standard return fare. The tickets, which may be purchased on the day of travel at any Hamas explosives outlet, are the la...
Read full storyNation Of Extremism Seeks Virgins
The Nation of Extremism launched an appeal for virgins today after it was revealed that numbers of available virgins had reached dangerously low levels. "Under Islamic law," explained Mohammad Mahakmahadahha, head of Islamic Virgin Studies at Basi...
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