Written by Kristin Dreyer Kramer

Monday, 4 March 2002

image for Nations Prepare for World War
The British sleigh team warm up.

Thirty-six nations are currently arming themselves and preparing for battle as a result of the 2002 Winter Olympic Games in Salt Lake City, Utah.

The Olympics, which are technically supposed to promote world harmony, caused nothing but scandal and hard feelings between the majority of countries that participated.

Each nation has its own reasons for preparing for war.

The French feel as though their judges were treated unfairly. Their controversial figure skating judge wasn't corrupt, they argue - only nearsighted. And after the whole scandal began, the remainder of the French judges felt like they were being prejudiced against. Other judges, they claim, picked on them and called them names.

Spanish-speaking nations are angry because all Olympic announcements were made in both English and French - but not in Spanish.

The Russians are still convinced that their athletes were treated unfairly. They're accusing other countries of turning the Olympic Games into the "Cold War Games."

Belarussians are annoyed that everyone called their men's hockey team's quarter-final defeat of Sweden "a fluke." Though they admit that the win was pretty darn lucky, they didn't appreciate the negative press that they received. They want the world to know that they're not just a pointless little nation, and they're willing to fight for it.

Liechtenstein is angry because, despite the fact that one-third of their county's population was involved in the Games (including twelve athletes, their trainers and coaches, and others), they still didn't win a single medal. "Not even a stinking bronze," one representative noted. They're quite sure that the competition must have been rigged, and they've decided to arm all 32,000 of their citizens.

The US decided to join in the war, too. Their decision, however, wasn't really based on any specific anger or hard feelings. But now that the Games are over and security in Salt Lake is no longer necessary, there are thousands of US troops who have nothing better to do.

Canada is the one country that has stated that it definitely won't get involved. While Canadians had considered taking part in the war, they decided it would be best to take their gold medals and run.

In the past, world wars have consisted of several nations joining to form two opposing sides. The inevitable World War Three, however, will be made up of a number of ally-less countries, all fighting against one another. Each warring country considers each other country to be the enemy.

A legal representative for the International Olympic Committee says that the committee is aware of the situation and is currently "looking into it."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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