Written by Gertrude Dobbs

Wednesday, 20 March 2002

image for Basingstoke Pensioner Accused Of Stockpiling Jif
Mrs Potter's daugter is also a suspect.

Basingstoke pensioner Mrs Alma Potter (87) claimed today that she had been named by US President George Dubya Bush as the next likely target in his war against terrorism.

Speaking through the letterbox of her terraced home at number seven Albion Street, Mrs Potter (89) said: "There's been F16's flying low over my roof all day, and the US carrier Nimitz has been seen navigating on the park lake. And since two o' clock, the ninth airborne infantry have been gathering on the street corner by the chippy. It's a worry, but ever since I bought that two litre bottle of Jif from Asda it would seem they're watching me day and night."

Neighbour, Mr Colin Powell, was quick to pour scorn on Mrs Potter's story.

"She's a daft old bat," he said. "It was only five minutes ago that she was claiming the town hall was ethnically cleansing her when they sent the road sweeper around. And I've seen the news, and nowhere do the Americans say stockpiling Jif is an act of war."

But, in an address to the Senate, US Vice President Dick Cheney hinted strongly that the Bush administration was indeed looking closely at the stockpiling of Jif. "Terrorists everywhere should be on their guard. We, the free world, will be ever vigilant against those who stockpile the means of mass disinfectant. Those that covet Harpic Blue Loo and Sainsbury's Bleach will have nowhere to hide. We will flush them out."

But Mrs Potter (91) remained defiant. "They tried to send a man round to inspect my Jif. Oh, he said he was the gasman, but they do say that, don't they, Jif inspectors. He said if I didn't let him in to do his inspecting I'd be in trouble."

Prime Minister Tony Blair refuted Mrs Potter's claims. "We would not dream of bothering Mrs Potter if she decided not to let folk inside her house. It would not be British. Besides, we'll be too busy invading Iraq."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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