Obesity-Related Injuries Reported

Written by jay morris

Wednesday, 20 March 2002

Mr. Homer Bloat, of Altoona, Pennsylvania, was arrested by police last week for his part in an incident in which several people were injured.

Mr. Bloat, who is very corpulent (and whose nickname in Immoblie Home), was given a jogging suit by his wife Edna, in the hope that he would take up exercize to lose weight. Wanting to please her, Mr. Bloat attempted to go outside for a jog but found he was too obese to fit through the front door. He and his wife then removed the picture window. "He even had touble getting through that," Mrs. Bloat said, "until I convinced him to leave the refrigerator at home."

Police reports are sketchy on what happened next, but apparently Mr. bloat started running down the steep hill that leads to his house, tripped, and began rolling. He gained momentum as he careened downward, crushing several hedges, and at least one paperboy, Herman Ickle.

At the bottom of the hill, Mr. Bloat was credited with sideswiping a bus full of pork rind salesmen headed for a convention in Philadelphia, overturning a Public Works van (awakening all six employees inside), and bowling over at least eight out of a group of ten Girl Scouts selling cookies. Police were called at the nearest Dunkin' Donuts and Mr. Bloat was arrested for "reckless rolling" and "traveling 35 in a 25 zone." Also arrested at the scene were several unruly teenagers who witnessed the Girl Scouts being knocked down. They reportedly attempted to liberate Mr. bloat from police custody and roll him back up the hill so that he could "go for the spare."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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