Man Sues Friend Over Atomic Wedgie

Funny story written by Paul Blake

Wednesday, 15 July 2020

image for Man Sues Friend Over Atomic Wedgie
The underwear in question were not salvageable.

Leeds, England - James Muddfield, 36, is suing his friend, Peter Swagwich, over a childish prank which led to some very severe consequences.

"It happened right after Arsenal's embarrassing 5-0 loss to Chelsea on Saturday night. Pete and I had a wager on the match, and after I lost, I was picking up a beer can that I'd thrown at the telly. That's when he got up on the coffee table and gave me the all-time wedgie of my life!"

Indeed, wedgies can be very painful, but the severity of this particular wedgie, where the underwear band is stretched up over the back of the head, can lead to more dangerous repercussions, known frequently throughout the land as an Atomic Wedgie.

"Oh, you should have seen it!" bragged Mr. Swagwich, who felt little remorse for distributing the gotchie stretching. "The band of his drawers ripped a bit when he went airborne, and I was able to get it right up over his head!" recounts Peter. "Full atomic!"

Mr. Muddfield apparently laid on the floor of the living room for a full fifteen minutes, before crawling into his bedroom to assess his injuries. "Once I was able to extract myself from the ruined skivvies, that's when I saw the blood, and knew something was very wrong."

Mr. Muddfield recounts that Pete then drove him to the hospital, and giggled incessantly the entire way, texting over 300 friends, and sending pictures of the incident around the country, to which he received 200 thumbs up and nearly as many smiley faces.

Once at the hospital, Mr. Muddfield had to endure 12 stitches directly to his anus. "That's when it got very serious," he explained. "That's a lot of stitches for someone to take in that spot. It was not fun. Five nil, can you believe that! No defense at all!" he recounts, still blaming Arsenal.

The doctor also told Mr. Muddfield that the jockey shorts had lacerated his right nut sack, and that he may not be able to father a child ever again.

"So I'm suing Pete for £5 pounds, 50 shillings," told our atomic wedgie victim. "The price of a three-pack of new boxer shorts."

But what about the fact that he may never be able to have children again? "Oh, we've high-fived many times about that one," explained Muddfield. "My wife's been up my arse to have another kid for the last six months. So this really gets me off the hook. Thanks a million, Pete!"

But the episode isn't over quite yet. "As soon as I can walk again, Pete may find a flaming bag of dog shit on his porch one evening, or have trouble starting his car one morning," snickered James from his wheelchair. "This isn't over, not by a long shot, buddy!"

Pete didn't seems concerned, still giggling about the entire affair. "Don't forget, you still owe me the £10 quid from the match, you little wanker. Just give me £5, and we'll call it even."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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