Huddersfield Town's shocking secret

Funny story written by Sir Geoffroy Cockface

Saturday, 11 July 2020

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Players are "milked dry" - or maybe they're just a rubbish team

Since a brief spell in the Premier League in 2017, Huddersfield Town have performed atrociously. They are at risk of slipping into the third tier of English football, the optimistically named Division One.

Fans largely agree about why the club has fallen so far, and point to current Dutch manager, Jan Pasteur, as the cause of the problems. Ever since he took over, they have noticed how the players look "drained" or "running on empty".

An exclusive TheSpoof investigation has revealed a disturbing truth. Pasteur took over the club with a view to converting it into Britain's first footballer-milk farm.

One of his advisers wrote in an email that he thought he was sending to a Nigerian prince, but was actually to TheSpoof journalist Sir Geoffroy Cockface, "We needed healthy young men for their fluids, but healthy males are hard to find in the UK. Football clubs were our best option."

So where does the milk go? Cockface uncovered a vast underground man-milk market on the dark web, where gallons of the liquid change hands for millions of pounds. The customers are mostly elderly millionaires looking for an elixir of life. Footballer-milk is particularly valued, as it is thought to cure a wide range of diseases, including leprosy, Ebola and trench foot.

Footballer milking is banned in Europe, but there are farms in the US and China - partly explaining those countries' poor performance at international level.

As a result of the investigation, Cockface is now banned from Huddersfield for life. He said, "It appears that the local police are also in the pay of the corrupt footballer milking empire. It's time for the players to reclaim their udders and smash the football dairy machine."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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