Australians To Stop Wiping Their Bottoms

Written by Monkey Woods

Thursday, 5 March 2020

image for Australians To Stop Wiping Their Bottoms
Australia - getting its priorities right

As worries over shortages of certain essential household items, continued unabated all across Australia last night, and consumers flocked to supermarkets to buy anything they could lay their hands on, Australian Prime Minister, Scott Morrison, spoke out and asked people to make alternative arrangements for wiping their bottoms.

The concern has been brought on by the Coronavirus, after many people started to worry that factories would shut down for production of basic human needs - like toilet paper.

Toilet paper is the surprise 'luxury item' that Australians feel they just cannot do without, and tens of thousands of them have been descending on stores in a panic-buying fury, filling trolleys with all the bumwad they could find.

But politicians have asked to public to remain calm.

PM Morrison addressed the people in a live TV broadcast last night, and told them they were going to have to find other ways to wipe their arses. He suggested they use newspapers, old clothes, or, as a last resort, the bathroom curtains.

Many Australians, however, have said that things like toilet paper should not be at the top of most people's lists. One man told us:

"How about beer?"

Another said:

"I never wipe my arse anyway, and I'm not going to start now!"

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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