Coronavirus: I Think I May Have It - What Should I Do?

Written by Monkey Woods

Wednesday, 4 March 2020

image for Coronavirus: I Think I May Have It - What Should I Do?
Release the bats!

The Coronavirus has spread steadily since it surfaced in China in January, and it's now looking like it may soon be present in every country of the world. People are, understandably, nervous. TheSpoof.com has decided to provide a layman's guide of what potential sufferers should do if they think they may have contracted the virus.

Symptoms

Diagnosing the Coronavirus at the earliest stage possible is very important, but, according to information provided by the world's best scientists, the virus enjoys a 14-day incubation period before symptoms start to show. These symptoms typically include a fever, a dry cough, a runny nose, and death.

If you have any of these symptoms, contact your local GP. His receptionist will give you an appointment two weeks hence.

Self-treatment

If you feel you are too ill to wait for your appointment, you could try self-diagnosis. The virus gives sufferers extremely high temperatures, and you should try to ascertain your own temperature, particularly if you are feverish. For this, you will need a medical thermometer. Slip it under your tongue for one minute. If the mercury in the thermometer explodes, you should go immediately to your nearest Emergency Room.

Self-isolation

This means cutting yourself off from the outside world, so that you don't infect other people. If you have a family, they can play at dressing-up in 'medical gowns' whilst serving your meals at arms' length, bringing you an occasional cup of tea, and providing you with a bucket to piss in, which, when you've finished, they will empty into the toilet.

Fuck knows what you'll do if you need to take a dump.

On no account should you have any animals in the room with you, as the illness you have may mutate when it infects them, and turn into a new virus that is more interesting than yours.

This especially applies to chickens, ducks, pigs and bats. Yes, bats.

Critical period

Once you have established you do, indeed, have the virus, it's a matter of taking some pain relief-type medication, and being patient. The experts are working on a cure, but this will take time.

The critical period is thought to be around two weeks in duration from when symptoms first show themselves.

You will recover or die in this period.

Recuperation

You are bound to feel weak in this period, which will, most likely, last up to a month. During this time, your family and friends can help you with anything you need, such as meals, laundry, running errands, telling your boss you'll be off sick for another two weeks, and so on.

Unless you died, of course. In that case, they'll organize the funeral.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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