"We've had enough of his shit!" says His Holiness Pope Francis, sovereign of the Vatican City State in a personal encyclical on blasphemy, which was read out to congregations worldwide at the weekend. The person to whom he referred, is none other than Balham's respected veteran contributor to The Spoof who rejoices in the pseudonym of Paxton Quigley.
Following the example of progressive Islamists in Pakistan, irate "Christian" fundamentalists have been rioting across the so-called civilised world at Mr Quigley's blasphemous writings. The riots have led Christian leaders, including the Pope, the Archbishop of Canterbury, and the heads of the Greek and Russian Orthodox churches to campaign for Mr Quigley to be sentenced to death.
Staunch catholic, President Duterte of the Philippines, joined in the call for Mr Quigley's death, saying that he has holy death squads ready and waiting, should they be required. US President Donald Trump refused to condemn the protests, saying that Mr Quigley had to take the consequences for peddling what he terms as "fake news". In response to the statement, hillbillies and rednecks across the US bible belt took up arms in support of the president against their better judgement, and began a house-to-house search for the fugitive, not realising that Mr Quigley resides in the UK, not the US.
From the balcony at St Peter's Square in Rome, the Pope, or Il Papa, as his flock of sheep like to call him, gave the reason for his renouncement of 'turning the other cheek'.
"This Quigley person, this foul blasphemer, is in league with Satan, and has tried the patience of the Church once too often. I have turned all four of my cheeks - on my face, on my buttocks, and now I have no more for turning. I could take his satirical insults that the last pope was converted by atheists, that God was taking early retirement, that Jesus deserved to be crucified, and even that I share my bath with two holy sisters, which has a grain of truth, admittedly, but this time, he has gone too far.
"He uses his knowledge of the gospels, and taints their meaning with his absurd pronouncements, but to say that Jesus Christ, our saviour, was a gay communist, is the last straw. I hereby excommunicate him, and will give absolution to any Christian brother or sister who carries out his execution."
An unrepentant Mr Quigley has been forced into hiding, in fear of his life, but spoke to The Spoof regardless:
"I don't give a shit what these primitive simpletons think or say, they are deluded. There is no god, so fuck them. I've recruited a dozen militant atheist bodyguards from the British Humanist Society, led by Polly Toynbee and Stephen Fry, who are armed to the teeth. They are willing to lay down their lives for their principles, which are to save my skin and their salaries. So come on then, if you think you're hard enough!"