Supreme Court Justice Brett Kavanaugh Reports Stigmata from Contentious Senate Confirmation Hearings

Funny story written by Chrissy Benson

Tuesday, 9 October 2018


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Kavanaugh explained that his painful wrist stigmata (hidden here by his sleeves) made him a little testy during proceedings.

The newest United States Supreme Court Justice, Brett Kavanaugh, reported that during the contentious confirmation hearings before the Senate Judiciary Committee during which he was forced to defend himself against accusations of sexual misconduct made by Christine Blasey Ford and others, he noticed the appearance of bodily wounds, scars and pain in locations corresponding to the crucifixion wounds of Jesus Christ, commonly referred to as stigmata.

"It took me a minute to figure out what they were," said Kavanaugh, "but I quickly put it together. The stigmata were letting me know that, like Jesus, I was the innocent victim of hatred and animosity. And that, also like Jesus, who came from a powerfully-connected Father, I had friends in important places, who would see me through this difficult time."

Kavanaugh, an Irish Catholic, said that he was initially reluctant to come forward and share openly about the appearance of his stigmata. “I was afraid that no-one would believe me. I feared that people would mock me, dismiss me, even shame me."

Kavanaugh said that, only by summoning his innermost resources of faith and courage, did he becoome willing to come forward. "It was hard," he said, "but my experience is real, it matters, and I couldn't in good conscience keep this miracle to myself."

Unfortunately, to the disappointment of devout Catholics eager to witness a modern-day miracle, Kavanaugh has declined to display his new stigmata, claiming that he does not want to foster division between Catholics and regular Christians. He did, however, offer up as evidence his personal calendar, in which he says he regularly documents notable life events like miracles.

"See, right there," he said, pointing to the calendar entry for September 27, 2018, the day that Christine Blasey Ford testified before the Senate Judiciary Committee that Kavanaugh had attempted to rape her at a party decades ago, while they both were in high school. The entry for that date reads: "Sharp tingling in wrists, feet, and chest, followed by appearance of bloody wounds."

"That about sums it up," said Kavanagh with a shrug. Wincing slightly, he explained, "They do sting a little bit. So, if I came across a little testy during the proceedings, that's why."

Skeptics have commented that Senate chambers are arguably among the least likely places for a modern-day miracle to occur, but Kavanaugh says that he, himself, sees things differently. "If that right there doesn't tell us what God thinks about separation of church and state, I don't know what does."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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