Written by Paxton Quigley

Friday, 6 July 2018

image for Germaine Greer's Forum on Men's Attitudes to Women and Sex Germaine Greer: I've had my quota of pork sausage.

Hello, my name is Germaine Greer and some of you may remember me for being at the forefront of something or other called Women's Lib, beginning with my book Spare Rib. I have been called a feminist and a feminazi in my time, but that's water off a duck's back to me and despite my reputation, I can tell you that in my time I have had more than my quota of pork sausage.

I am here today in the presence of three distinguished male guests to whom I will be putting difficult questions on male attitudes. They are His Holiness Pope Francis, sovereign of the Vatican City State, Sir Elton John, well known ivory tinkler, and the Late Peter Stringfellow, night club owner and general sex pest who is ably assisted by clairvoyant conman Derek Acora.

GG. Welcome gentlemen and Mr. Stringfellow. As you know there is a current fashion for young to women shave, I think you know what I mean. How do you feel about that?

Pope Francis: In the interest of the church's new policy of equality I cannot fault it. But in the not so recent past I would have burned a bearded woman at the stake as a witch.
Peter Stringfellow / Derek Acora: Hold on, I'm just getting Peter coming through. What's that, Peter? Okay, got it. Peter says It makes sense as it stops me getting hairs stuck in my teeth or it used to before I kicked the bucket.
Sir Elton John: I prefer a little bit of fuzz around the relevant bits whether male or female, but nicely trimmed of course to keep them neat and tidy, and it shows maturity.

GG: Thank you. Women's fertility has long been a battle for control between the sexes. Do you think it's right for fusty old men in smoke filled rooms to decide whether or not a woman should have access to contraception or abortion?

Pope Francis: Absolutely not and I don't smoke. It's only right that a life long celibate like me should give pastoral comfort and sexual advice to young women, otherwise how would they cope with married life?
Sir Elton John: Well, my experience of women's fertility is limited to my surrogate mothers, so it's hard for me to comment. They didn't mind David and me using the old turkey baster on them and it was quite fun to see their reaction when I told them they were now full of a mixture of spunk from both David and me. Two for the price of one. Job done.
Peter Stringfellow / Derek Acora: Peter's laughing now at what you said, Elton. Just a minute. He says he's very grateful for the contraceptive pill or he would have spent his fortune on johnnies and paternity payments.

GG: I'm not sure those were appropriate comments. So what do you think if a woman wears crotchless panties?

Peter Stringfellow / Derek Acora: Peter says it shows she's up for it and he would be too, if he wasn't dead. It turns him on.
Pope Francis: Forgive me, but I am not familiar with this item of clothing. Don't their testicles fall through?
Sir Elton John: Kiki Dee used to wear them and took delight in showing me. That's why I always called her "Kinky" Kiki. It was actually a vain attempt to seduce me but she realises now that I enjoy wearing them.

GG: Interesting, Sir Elton. Are women objectified sexually?

Pope Francis: Not in my case. I treat women with the utmost respect and sometimes I test my vow of abstinence by having Sisters Promiscuous and Fellatio share my bath. They graciously wash me, singing hymns and praying for my blessing. I often ejaculate as they do so, but that is Satan's work and no pleasure is involved at all for me, thank God.
Peter Stringfellow / Derek Acora: Peter often said - I am a feminist at heart and if a woman wants to sell her body, to me in particular, then that is her business and in no way does it mean that I am objectifying her. She is just a good shag to me. He's asking now if that will do as an answer.
Sir Elton John: I suppose they are, but I'm not really bothered about it.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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