In a Vatican press conference today, it was announced that Pope Francis has changed the teachings of the Catholic faith to oppose the death penalty in all circumstances, except for the crucifixion of Jesus Christ. The new position was met with incredulity by the assembled alcohol sodden papal press corps.
The text of the catechism was first set by Pope John Paul II in October 1992 and had previously stated that the death penalty could be used in some cases. That position has now changed to say it is "inadmissible because it is an attack on the inviolability and dignity of the person, unless that person is Jesus Christ of Nazareth".
When The Spoof's religious correspondent questioned the ageing pontiff as to the reasons for His Holiness excluding the case of carpenter's son and self-confessed "fisher of men" (hmm), he was met with short shrift by one of the Bishop of Rome's henchmen:
"Shut the fuck up. Our saviour Jesus Christ's crucifixion was entirely justifiable for the church. How could we possibly justify the existence and the running of this corrupt organisation of sodomites, child abusers and mafiosos without our dead leader? Get a life will you?"