CDC Announces Fully Vaccinated People with Low COVID Risk Will Have Limited Freedom of Peaceable Assembly

Funny story written by Chrissy Benson

Tuesday, 9 March 2021

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The CDC still recommends double-masking for any Constitutionally protected activity.

Constitutional rights are no longer completely off the map in the United States, Dr. Randi Wallace of the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention recently announced; fully vaccinated people at low risk of death from COVID-19 may now gather in very small groups without wearing masks.

“We’re thrilled to be the organization bringing fundamental freedoms back to American society,” said Dr. Wallace. “Not on a massive scale, of course, but enough to give Americans a taste of what it was like to be free." She added, "Just a taste, mind you; we don’t want anyone going off the deep end.”

An example of “going off the deep end” might, Dr. Wallace explained, entail attending a place of worship and/or singing in a church choir without wearing a face mask. “Those things still need to be strictly curtailed. In fact, we recommended double-masking when it involves any activity theoretically protected by the U.S. Constitution.”

That being said, Dr. Wallace expects the CDC announcement regarding the return of peaceable assembly to spark great rejoicing among Americans, albeit in physically distanced groups of no more than six to eight (preferably fewer) people. “It’s a time of great celebration, and the sky’s the limit,” she said. “Masks will, of course, remain optional.”

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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