Introverts Society Endorses Continued Lockdowns

Funny story written by Chrissy Benson

Thursday, 4 March 2021

image for Introverts Society Endorses Continued Lockdowns
When workplaces went remote, introverts were atypically ahead of the curve in adapting to change.

Citing concerns that even “double-masking” as recommended by NIAID Director, Dr. Anthony Fauci, may not be fully effective in preventing the spread of the pesky flu-like bug known as COVID-19, Inner World Introverts Society issued a statement endorsing ongoing indefinite lockdowns and strictly-enforced stay-at-home orders.

“Being out in the world is scary and dangerous," said IWIS president Matthew Halsey via email. “Especially now that there's a virus. In fact, there may well be lots of viruses out there. Bacteria, too.”

Many have bemoaned the fact that introverts have traditionally gotten the short end of the stick in the workplace, losing out on promotions, raises, and overall professional recognition to their more extroverted colleagues. Halsey noted, however, that 2020 proved to be a year when many introverts truly came into their own.

“We thrived," he emphasized in his email. "And when workplaces went fully remote, for once we managed to be ahead of the curve in adaptability and embracing change."

The IWIS president did acknowledge that continued lockdowns could pose a threat to the fundamental freedoms guaranteed by the United States Constitution, like freedom of worship and the right to peaceably assemble. "And that's unfortunate,” Halsey stated in his email. “But the real key to happiness is having an rich internal world - and that's significantly boosted by not feeling pressured to make small talk in an elevator.”

For this reason, IWIS has pledged support for any and all measures put forth by Anthony Fauci that involve staying at home, hiding one’s face, and/or decreasing others’ expectation that one might speak out loud. “These have been tough times, for some more than others,” wrote Halsey. "Honestly, right now, we're pretty pumped to be part of the others."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Comedy spoof news topics
Go to top
readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more