Though impeachment proceedings loom, the outcome is already known, and Republicans are planning quite a show. No point spending money on external shysters when events warrant a jubilant internal shindig on the part of the GOP. They're sure not gonna hurt Trump, so why not celebrate?!!
The former president has decided to ditch expensive unrequired attorneys, Schoen and Castor, and since he's off scot-free has condoned the following script for hearings.
Once Democrats have finished spelling out their lost cause, Ted Cruz, dressed as Jack Sparrow from Pirates of the Caribbean, will swing into the chamber, knife between teeth on a Tarzan rope, and kidnap Nancy Pelosi while the Republican Big Band strikes up tunes from the 1920s, conducted by Roy Blunt of Missouri, and female GOP senators will form a line as 'Tiller Girls' leading everyone out of the building. The dancers will descend the steps of the Capitol, legs swinging in sync, and then return to the Chamber where Al Green will perform 'Let's Stay Together', with all eyes on Mitch McConnell and Kamala Harris attempting a Paso Doble on the Senate floor which may evolve into a Kentucky Shimmy, and when all have retaken their seats, Cruz swings back into the Chamber and dumps Pelosi on her seat, her blue neckerchief is gone and she now wears Sparrow's sea-dog bandana. Tickertape falls, the GOP brings out three cheers for thugs and mobsters, Pelosi calls Trump to tell him he can go back to sleep, and they all live happily ever after.
Republican leader McConnell was confident this was the right thing to do. "Some claim we're not taking this seriously, but, hell, dancing with Kamala is an act of retribution in itself. And I mean that in the nicest possible way. I sure do..."