Gates, Birx, Fauci interview draws audience of millions and new Government Confidence Rating

Funny story written by joseph k winter

Wednesday, 5 August 2020

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Big Pharma is working around the clock on the vaccine and its image

Breaking: CBS has just released a new broad interview with top US health authorities on the current coronavirus pandemic.

The interview promises "aggressive reporting," in the VCGS (Viewer Confidence in Government Services) series.

Following each program, viewers are surveyed to indicate rising or falling confidence.

The interview begins with Mr. Gates:

CBS: Mr. Gates, we are hearing about side-effects with the coming vaccine. How serious are these?

Gates: Side effects? Well, you know, er, ah ah ah--a little fever, a little, er, diarrhea, ah, pneumonia, some deaths here and there, ah, ah--.

CBS: Deaths?

Gates: Ah, er, we're trying for 95% effective, that's for 7.8 billion people, leaving what? A few, er er million at risk you see..

CBS: And Big Pharma will have indemnity, is that right? Complete protection against being sued?

Gates: Well, I mean, we've got to have . . . Look, it's like traffic. You drive, you're taking a risk, right?

(Ms. Birx at this point jumps in.)

Birx: And let me tell you, Bill, we're gonna need to extend the PPE. The eyes are vulnerable, so we're gonna need goggles too!

CBS: The eyes, Ms. Birx? Is there a new problem?

Birx: Glad you asked that! Not only mouth and nose and eyes but we're gonna need to cover the ears!

CBS: The ears?

Birx: Bill, maybe you know something about this? A new virus, the Mesmer-26, part of the corona family, possibly a bastard relative ha ha! Enters the ears!

Gates: Well, er, I mean, I don't know, possibly ah . . .

Birx: Like a mosquito! Except you don't hear it!

(Mr. Fauci at this point jumps in.)

Fauci: Let me get into this, Now I've been asked about limiting protest crowds, so I've given this a lot of thought. And baseball? You've got nine players on the field, plus benches, umpires, coaches. Now that's a crowd! And they are rushing up to each other and banging elbows!

CBS: You mean, sir, in a moment of exuberance when something exciting has happened?

Fauci: Exactly! Spittle flying everywhere, you'd better believe it! And not wearing masks or social distancing! Especially at home plate!

CBS: But what is this we're hearing about the death rate flattening, it's going away, all these doctors coming forward--

Guests in unison: Nonsense! Second, third, and fourth waves! On the way! You'd better believe it!

After the program, CBS announced viewer approval ratings rose from 13% to 16% on the VCGS index.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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