So Long, Suckers! International Space Station Warps Out of Orbit For The Final Frontier

Funny story written by Stefano M. Stefano

Monday, 3 August 2020

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In a surprising display of secret technology and a big round of raspberries directed at the people of the Earth, the International Space Station warped out of orbit. How, you may ask, could a mere tin-can space station break orbit and travel into deep space?

"It was never a space station," Colonel 'Biff' Boff admitted, in a transmission to Earth, prior to warping out of orbit. "It's been under construction from the start, and we were just waiting for the best time to leave you losers on Earth. And, brother, this would be the best time for us to hightail it outta this ruddy solar system!"

His co-pilot, Cosmonaut Igor 'Jiggy' Krasjigginov, added, "And don't come looking for us, because ve have a big head start because, ya know, ve have zee only spaceship in zee vorld!"

The third member of the crew, who would only admit that he was a Canadian by the name of 'Gary', told reporters, "Yea, so, you know how there was a shortage of toilet paper a few months ago? Yeah, that was us, eh? We stockpiled the crap outta that stuff, eh? Oh, 'cuse the pun! But, we also stockpiled mac and cheese, water, beer--"

"Canadian beer! Not that tap water from Budveiser!" Jiggy noted.

"Yeah, man. Oh, and we also got real loaded up on hand sanitizer!"

A reporter askled why the astronauts would need to stockpile hand sanitizer, to which Colonel Boff revealed:

"Mister, that's not hand sanitizer! That's rocket fuel! We use that to power our warp drive! Why do you think it begins to burn your hands if you use too much of it?!"

Asked if they won't feel all alone up there with just the three of them, the trio of astronauts laughed so much in zero-g, that Iggy farted and Gary toasted his fellow astronaut's flatuence with a Molson Export.

"What? Are ya nuts, you dumb hoser?! We stockpiled something else before we left, eh! Cindy, Bambi, Carrie, Chantal-- c'mere! All of you, come over here to the camera!"

At that moment a dozen women appeared, all of them liquored up and dressed in skimpy lingerie.

"Playboy bunnies, baby!" Colonel Boff bragged. "We've got a dozen here and a another dozen in suspended animation! Trust me! They're going to keeep us nice and warm in the coldest regions of space!"

Asked why they were leaving, the transmission got fuzzier and fuzzier, but reporters were able to make out Gary saying, "Are you frickin' kidding, man? Covid-19, murder hornets, mandatory masks, orange Hitler, empty stadiums and arenas at pro sports games, hurricanes, tornadoes, overly-expensive internet rates...'Star Wars' movies that kill off one original character after another...KFC changing their original recipe...reality TV shows about creepy, weird people...rigged elections with old foggies..."

And with that, the International Space Station left the Earth's solar system, where no Playboy bunny has gone before.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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