10 Road Trip Essentials

Funny story written by Adam J. Hushin

Tuesday, 4 August 2020

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Road trip!

With travel restricted due to the coronavirus pandemic, many people are taking their summer vacations in the form of a road trip. Road trips are a great way to see all the great sights a country has to offer while allowing you to stop anywhere along the way. However, road trips can easily become a nightmare if they are not properly planned. To help you plan yours, here is a list of 10 road trip essentials:

1. Plenty of snacks.

Food and water are essential to sustain life, so naturally they would be essential for a road trip. Snacks can hold you over when searching for a meal in unfamiliar territory. Also, since you’re in a car, it’s pretty much impossible that all the crumbs from your snacking will attract ants. You can eat your chips completely worry-free.

2. Extra clothing.

While you may think you can get away with only a few extra pairs of socks, it’s a good idea to pack more clothing than you think you’ll need. The main reason is that half of this country is unbearably cold, so extra layers are crucial.

3. Sun protection.

The other half of this country that isn’t unbearably cold is insanely hot. Like way too hot. Sunscreen and sunglasses both higher than spf50 are required. Also, make sure the AC in your car is working better than anything else in the vehicle. Sitting in the cool car looking at things from a distance will be something to write home about.

4. A pen.

You’ve seen it in movies and TV shows, when in a crunch, a pen can be traded for something you need, and then after a series of further trades, you end up having a way bigger and better item. You may not know it yet, but a road trip is where this scenario plays out in real life. Pens can also be used to write with, but that will most likely not come up.

5. Exactly one person that doesn’t have Venmo or Paypal.

Road trips are best done with friends. Since splitting the check more than two ways is kind of a dick move, and evolution has moved humans past the need for physical currency, the best way to pay for group meals or items is to have one person pay for the meal with their credit card, and everyone else send them money via Venmo, Paypal or other similar phone apps. However, it is always necessary to bring one person who can announce at the end of the meal that they do not have Venmo. This will complicate everything--something essential for the perfect road trip.

6. A Stanley Black & Decker 26 in. 5-Drawer Tool Chest and Cabinet Combo.

This bad boy includes three sliding trays for easy small-parts organization and a spacious bulk storage area with a slide-up panel door. This gem even has full-extension ball bearing slides! There’s an added keyed locking system with external lock bar safeguards as well. It’s pretty self-explanatory why this would be essential to load into your trunk before hitting the road. You’re going to need another person or two to help lift it, though.

7. An R2-series Astromech Droid.

Although R2 units were originally designed to be able to fit in the droid sockets commonly found on starfighters, they can also be used to solve any issues with your 2008 Subaru Impreza. They can also be great company and a source of comic relief, if you speak their language. The only issue is that these droids are a little pricey. To own one it’ll cost you about 5,000 galactic credits.

8. Melon Baller.

Why would you need a melon baller, you ask.

9. A Phonograph or Record Player.

Sometimes, there is just nothing good playing on the radio. To be able to have all the control over what music you hear, when you want to hear it, it’s a smart move to bring along a turntable and a large collection of all your favorite vinyls. Set that thing up in the back seat or on the dash and bring down the needle, let’s get this road trip rockin’!

10. Drugs.

Unless you’re a weirdo who finds joy and wonder in everything life has to offer, you’re going to hate like 50% of this road trip. Drugs can be a great escape from the horrible realities of your situation, and can make the 11 hours you spend sitting in a packed car fly by. Just something to think about.

That’s it! That’s the list. Now load up all these items and hit the road!

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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