140 Trillion Dollar Stimulus Package

Written by Charles Havers

Wednesday, 27 May 2020

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$140 trillion is not a misprint. It is 9am, and you heard it here first. Here’s how it occurred. At a hastily-convened 6am meeting, President Trump told his cabinet that he “realized” when he was twittering at 3am, that, for $10 trillion, we could give every one of our 100 million households a million dollars.

At this point, Treasury Secretary, Steven R. Mnuchin (“Munchkin”), who is pretty good with numbers, spoke up:

Munchkin: “Mr. President, we have about 140 million households, not 100 million, and 1 million times 140 million is 140 trillion.

At this point, Trump glowered at Munchkin before going on: “What are you trying to say, Steven?”

Munchkin had seen the Trump glower previously, when it was directed at officials such as former Secretary of State, Rex Tillerson, and former Chief of Staff, John Kelly. Munchkin does not want to be the former Secretary of the Treasury, and he recovered quickly.

“It’ll cost $140 trillion, but that shouldn’t be a problem.”

Trump: “So you’ll support my idea.”

Munchkin: “Yes, Mr. President. I think it’s terrific. No other president in the history of the United States will have made so many people so much better off in such a short time.”

The meeting ended at 6:30am with the cabinet unanimously supporting the initiative.

The measure is almost certain to pass. Trump likes the package, because it will make him “the greatest wealth-creating president in the history of our nation.” Most Republicans will support the stimulus, because Trump endorses it; principled outliers, such as Senator Ben Sasse, can be sure of facing a challenger in their next primary. Trump has already tweeted: “Kick Sasse out on his asse.”

There is also broad bi-partisan support. Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer like the idea, because it will expand the tax base. Even AOC and Bernie Sanders like the idea, because if everyone is a millionaire, no one will have to work, and that’ll lead to a better climate. Sleepy Joe Biden is expected to endorse the proposal once he wakes up, and Jill tells him that he should.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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