Why Trump Must Give Up Golf

Written by Keith Shirey

Tuesday, 26 May 2020

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Must play without Trump

Anonymous Democratic congresspeople said today that they wished Trump would stay off his golf courses. Said one, “The exercise he gets playing golf helps keep his morbidly obese body and brain functioning. I want him to be completely sedentary, eating his fried chicken, french fries, greasy onion rings, huge Big Macs and massive desserts. That way he will sort of fade away, the fatty tissue in his brain making him unable to think and stop destroying our democracy.”

Another representative agreed. She said that Trump’s cheating at golf challenges his brain to think how to cleverly lie to his golfing partners. “We don’t want him thinking. Just let him go on saying whatever comes into his so-called mind at press conferences. He really hasn’t done anything thoughtful in years. It’s just his strange, dark id speaking. If he stops playing golf, which exercises what’s left of his mind, its total atrophy is postponed, and he’ll be able to campaign against Biden and keep flattering Putin and other dictators,” said the congresswoman.

There seems to be some evidence that the congresspeople are right about the President's brain decay. Observers have noted that Trump has the attention span of a gnat, unable to even concentrate on daily intelligence briefings which are watered down to the level of a third-grader. “Severe inability to concentrate is a sign of significant mental decay,” said psychoanalyst, Greta Von Freud. “Golfing seems to postpone the total malfunction of a morbidly obese brain. We need to put whatever is left of his brain in a jar when he passes. It will make a fascinating study for future generations," she concluded.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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