CDC Explains that Flattened Curve Has Become Line Extending into Infinity Meaning Lockdown Can Never End

Funny story written by Chrissy Benson

Monday, 11 May 2020

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A doctor, not a mathematician, CDC Director Robert Redfield didn't foresee the long-term effect of "flattening the curve."

Based on consultations with mathematical experts, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention has determined that the successful “flattening of the curve” of coronavirus infections has resulted in a line extending into infinity, meaning that the COVID-19 lockdown can never end.

“What can I say?” said CDC Director Robert Redfield. “We’re doctors, not mathematicians. There’s no way we could have foreseen how this flattened curve thing would play out.”

Acknowledging that the infinite extension of the lockdown might come as disappointing news to some, Redfield noted that the CDC had never promised that its “flattening the curve” strategy would diminish the total number of coronavirus infections or deaths; its aim was merely to stretch out the time frame in which those infections occurred, so as to avoid overwhelming the healthcare system.

“And it really worked,” said Redfield. “Our hospitals are half-empty. Nurses and medics around the country are furloughed.”

Another strategy that proved highly effective, said Redfield, was the CDC's urgent admonition that no one, under any circumstances, visit elderly persons in nursing homes. “We’ve seen fantastic follow-through there,” he said. “The skyrocketing rates of depression, suicide, overdoses, and despair in senior care facilities tell us that we’ve done a great job of keeping the old folks safe from human contact.”

All told, notwithstanding the infinite extension of the lockdown, Redfield stated that the CDC considers its unprecedented quarantining of millions of healthy people a great success. “We really want to commend all of the Americans who unquestioningly and without complaint relinquished their most fundamental freedoms at our merest say-so - and who continue to do so,” he said. “People have been such good sports about all of this.”

And due to the revelation about the flattened curve, that “good sportiness” will need to continue for just a little longer, said Redfield - like indefinitely. “Hang in there, everyone," he urged. "We’re all in this together.”

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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