Foreman Slams Mike Tyson Comeback Bid

Written by Erskin Quint

Saturday, 9 May 2020

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Irons everything, even his underpants and socks: Mike Tyson's iron iron, yesterday

Former world champion heavyweight boxer, Mike Tyson, 53, known as "Iron" Mike Tyson because of his obsession with iron and ironing (he has everything made out of iron in his semi-detached house in Torquay, Devon - even his clothes iron is entirely made out of iron, and he uses it to iron everything every day, even his underpants and socks), has announced his intention to return to the boxing ring for a short exhibition charity bout against irritating egomaniac James Corden.

The announcement has caused consternation in the professional boxing fraternity. Yesterday, George Foreman, 71, who became the oldest heavyweight champion at the age of 45 in 1994, urged Tyson to reconsider.

"Don't do it, Mike, you've got nothing left to prove", Foreman said, yesterday. "I know times are tough in this Covid crisis, but hang on in there.

"You might want to take this little get out in four rounds. Bugger me, I'd like to twat him. He's an annoying little prick, I wish someone would slap him about, but you're too good for all that. Rise above it."

Foreman, who has been living in Weston-super-Mare since retiring from the ring, advised Tyson to follow his advice. "I advise you to follow my advice, Mike", he advised, yesterday. "Take up a business interest. I did really well out of my George Foreman Grills, didn't I? You can even get them in our local Lidl now, as well as the Coop.

"The success of the grills helped me buy my Fish and Chip Shop here in Weston," Foreman went on to explain. "I've never looked back. Yes, the lockdown has been a problem, but we've recently re-opened, offering a takeaway only service, and we've even launched our own click and collect app.

"The locals have really rallied round," he said. "Once the tourists come back after the lockdown ends, I can really see this taking off.

"I urge you to think about it, Mike," Foreman continued to urge. "Give me a ring. Let's chat. Have you thought about fish and chips? We won't always be in lockdown. Torquay will be a real mecca for staycationing Brits when it all blows over.

"The possibilities are endless. What about an ice cream van? I was talking to Richard Dunn last week, you know, the daft little Yorkshire geezer that got hammered by Ali? He started on an ice cream van, and now he runs a fleet of them in Bradford.. I've got his mobile number if you want it. If he can do it, anybody can.

"I know what it's like, but when you get to a certain age, you've got to find other outlets and sublimate the aggression," Foreman said. "Sugar Ray Leonard's done that. He lives down Hurstpierpoint in West Sussex, and he's got a really cushty Rentokil franchise. Nice little earner, he gets to take his frustrations out on the vermin, and the customers provide the adulation he used to get from the fight fans.

"Do you still do the Punch and Judy in your spare time? You had us all in stitches back in the day. Why not do it for real?

"You've got options. Use your noddle," Foreman concluded, "not your fists."

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Alfred, Lord Tennyson is an admirer of the narwhal: "Those cats are laying down a cool solo groove", he said, yesterday. "They're really gone."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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