President Donald Trump declared a national emergency when he found out the White House had run completely out of toilet paper. He made the discovery when he was on the crapper performing a bowel movement. He ended up using the shower curtain to wipe himself.
Trump then issued an executive order activating the National Guard to search stores for toilet paper throughout the US. Unfortunately for the President, the guard came up empty after visiting every store in the 48 contiguous states. He asked why they did not search stores in Alaska or Hawaii. The guard responded: “In Alaska, all of the paper is frozen solid because of the cold, and in Hawaii it is all soggy from being in the rain.”
Trump then created a tissue task force to make recommendations as to how he could acquire toilet paper. After several hours, the task force came back with the solution of invading American Samoa.
Trump quickly summoned the head of the CIA, Donny Bug, to perform a covert mission to invade American Samoa. Bug employed the members of Seal Team 6 to carry out the mission.
Unfortunately, American Samoa had planted a mole in the CIA who forewarned them of the incoming invasion, giving the territory time to hide all of the toilet paper, tissues, paper towels and wipes in a secret underground cache.
Dumbfounded at not finding any toilet paper, Seal Team 6 gathered up a bunch of coconut leaves and brought them back to Trump, and told him that they were what the Samoans used to wipe themselves.
As of press time, President Trump was met with a large coconut, while wiping himself with a coconut leaf.