The Clearest Message

Written by Backandtotheleft

Sunday, 10 May 2020

image for The Clearest Message
Other effects of Corona may include belief in the region of Scandinavia

Communities Secretary, Robert Jenrick, (nope not a clue either), has defended the government's slightly changed Coronavirus message, saying:

"It couldn’t be clearer if it was a clear glass of smooth, sparkling Somerset water.

"Moving on from the “Stay at home” message that we have been so good at following, we are now subject to the “stay alert” message. A message that seems to portray the Coronavirus as a particularly rowdy group of teenagers who may or may not be causing some nightly trouble outside local shops."

Jenrick decried the populace, who were beginning to slightly question the government’s methods, by saying:

"As my esteemed colleague, Mr Reese-Mogg would say: Only stupid people wouldn’t understand the “true meaning” behind this message. A meaning which isn’t “hidden”, but sits in plain sight. “Stay Alert” means exactly what it says. “Stay Alert” also “Stay Home” unless you need to go to a “garden centre” for important things. Like trowels."

Jenrick, like most of this government, looked 'smug as fuck' after making his point. We pushed him on if this meant the lockdown had been eased, or other measures were being put into place. He laughed:

"Stay Alert is perfectly self-explanatory. Stay alert and watch for the
virus. By staying at home. Or going to garden centres. Look, the point is, despite all the deaths, the opportunities we had to curb the infection rate, the warnings from other countries, the failed herd immunity idea, the PPE fiasco, the fact the PM caught the disease because he believed his charisma was better than immunity. Despite all the monumental failures, cockups and general fuckwittery from the government, we’ve got to ask ourselves "where would we be if Corbyn was in charge?" Probably neck deep in Russian tanks and Cossack dancing."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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