Ted Kaczynski Finds Rebirth and New Relevance in Shadow of Coronavirus Pandemic

Written by Reggie "Rex" Stain

Sunday, 19 April 2020

image for Ted Kaczynski Finds Rebirth and New Relevance in Shadow of Coronavirus Pandemic

(ADX Florence, Colorado) Ted Kaczynski, also known as the “Unabomber” for his twenty-year domestic terrorism record of sending explosive bombs to random people and penning a 35,000-word essay against technology, has found a new relevance in this age of the Coronavirus pandemic.

Masterclass, an online education platform that allows students to learn subjects from well-established and famous purveyors of their fields, released two courses featuring Mr. Kaczynski, who met the requirements as a 1962 Harvard graduate. Since the Coronavirus pandemic has forced many Americans to shelter at home for an indefinite period of time, both classes have risen to be among the top ten “most popular” celebrity provided courses on the site.

“Carefully Packaging Your Science Experiment for Shipment” and “Writing a Manifesto You Can Be Proud Of” have seen major uptake by tens of thousands of students from around the country. Job Bechler, a West Virginia-based coal mine operator, recently spoke with us. "Yeah, I ain’t tellin’ you libtard press folk what I may be doin’ with either of them classes I am learnin’, but Ted has definitely helped me with my writin'. He even got me to buy The Elements of Style by Strunk and White 'cuz of what he said: ‘If they literally can’t understand your writing, they’ll ignore you as a lunatic redneck.’

"First off, I ain’t no redneck, I’m a hillbilly, and my manifesto better get read. Them libtards in Congress need to know America was built on the backs of hard workin’ coal miners, and coal miners, as you know, are back and ‘merica needs us.”

Speaking over a noisy phone from his prison’s common area, Mr. Kaczynski spoke candidly. “Sure, I recognize the irony of using the internet to deliver my subjects, but Masterclass made me an offer I couldn’t refuse: a carton of cigarettes delivered each week that I could use to barter for my life while I am in the shower or the ‘yard. Plus, it seems there has been a real resurgence in learning about what I did since the end of 2016. Seems like my kind are coming out of the woodwork!” Mr. Kaczynski suddenly had to drop the phone; we could hear him plead not to be shivved by somebody named “T-Bone” before the call was disconnected.

While the Coronavirus pandemic has forced the manay of a quarantined population into dealing with endless free time and an uncertain future, Masterclass and professional mentors like Mr. Kaczynski are helping many realize their dreams.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Spoof news topics
Go to top
readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more