Yet More Letters to the Editor About Coronavirus

Funny story written by Erskin Quint

Sunday, 19 April 2020

image for Yet More Letters to the Editor About Coronavirus
Nothing to do with any of these letters: Nelson's Column, yesterday.

Dear Sir,

I seen on Farcebooke video what that porstman with the lickine his fingures. Then. Smered is spit all ovure the old ladie's' lettuer box and door frame's.

Anyways luke at the nose on it. With a no'se like that his obvs a fuckin Muslin. Deport the bastud.

Thicke's pigshitt he diden see the camurar's. Gotcher ugly mugg Muslin shite.

I see'd all these's Muslans avin a barbecue on Facebouoke - where is the coppur's eh? Deporte them back'e to the EU! They onlie arres't whites with dogge's an white howse party's cos o'f politicule coreckners. Helth an Saftie gon madd.


Bobby Moron

Dear Sir,

While we are on lockdoun's I sene on Farsebuke they have bene flying in a plane load of Romanies and Bulgarenes to pick the fruit and vege.

Sum lockdoune! We need a propure lockdoune' ter stoop th'e Covid's.

Why arnt they telline the EU to do one and stop these Bulgarines! I thort Brexit was got dune! An the's Romany's be campine on waste's grownde with caravannere's leavine there turde's when they go.

Why donut they get all the dole scrownjirs to pick the fruit's and vege's any way's?

An wen they picked thatte, macce the'm clene the's hospitule's.

Sherwood Forest

Dear Sir,

are the Muslamic Rape Gangs on lockdown? I bet the Police are turning a blind eye to these Muslamic Rape Gangs as they always do.

Yet they soon locked up harmless old people like Stuart Hall, Rolf Harris and even Jimmy Savile still gets slated for a few indiscretions. It's all just a cover up to make it look like they're doing something.

Meanwhile the Muslamic Rape Gangs walk scot-free.

Meanwhile the Muslamic Rape Gangs and their Hate Preachers are working to make us all subject to their Iraqi Law. It's the Iraqi Law that we are being threatened with while we all sit at home watching Netflix in fear of the COVI-19. The BBC are in on it and the new so-called Labour Leader - have you heard him condemn it - think about that.

We might come out of lockdown to find we are under Iraqi Law all because they failed to lockdown the Muslamic Rape Gangs and the Hate Preachers preaching the Iraqi Law. Our women forced to wear the Burqas and the men praying to Allah and stonings in the street. Yes it sounds ridiculous now, but nobody's laughing out there.

They preach hate over here but what would happen to them if they did the same in their own country in Mecca? And how many mosques do you think they'd be allowed to build in Mecca? Food for thought.

And they slate Trump for the Wall to keep the Mexican Drug Cartels out and because he banned the Chinese influx when the Liberati cried wolf.

We have to notice these things.

Meanwhile under this COVID crisis the EU is making sure the boatloads of so-called refugees (ie Illegals) and planefulls of Romanians and Bulgarians are coming over here to pick the fruit. Are they even being tested? Surely the virus is rife in the refugee camps and the Romanian gypsy camps?


Herman Gearing

Dear Sir,

there is much talk of heroes these days and why not, when we see the likes of 99-year-old Captain Jack and 90-year-old Mountain Margaret doing their bit to raise money for the NHS!

But in an attempt to distract everyone from the horrors of the Coronavirus, I would fain draw your attention to a less well-known - but no less deserving, albeit in a non-emergency setting - hero.

These days few have heard of the logical paradox that runs: "The barber who shaves all and only those who don't shave themselves."

It is a conundrum for the poor barber indeed, for his is quite the task:

  1. If he shaves himself, he cannot exist, because he is supposed to shave all and only those who DON'T shave themselves
  2. BUT if he then decides NOT to shave himself, he is stuck, again, since he is supposed to shave all and only those who DON'T shave themselves, so he'd still have to shave himself, so he is back to square one

Imagine the poor barber, impaled on the twin horns of this hideous dilemma. How can he go on?

Yet he has gone on, for he is still with us after all the years, since this logical paradox was first presented by English philosopher Bertrand Russell to point out contradictions in the Set Theory of the German mathematician Georg Cantor.

What a model of persistence and pluck is our thwarted though steadfast friend the barber who shaves all and only those who don't shave themselves!

Now I am sure I do not need to tell you what Georg Cantor's set theorem states, but I will anyway. It states:

For any set A, the set of all subsets of A (the power set of A, denoted by P( A )) has a strictly greater cardinality than A itself.

As well as having a huge impact upon mathematical theory and philosophy, Cantor's theorem has had an enormous impact upon the Catholic Church and the way it structures its hierarchies. As The Internet tells us:

For instance, by iteratively taking the power set of an infinite set and applying Cantor's theorem, we obtain an endless hierarchy of infinite cardinals, each strictly larger than the one before it. Consequently, the theorem implies that there is no largest cardinal number (colloquially, "there's no largest infinity").

So that's why we have all those Cardinals then!

Georg Cantor's nephew Eddie Cantor was of course a hugely-famous all-round entertainer and writer in America, numbering among his hits the following:

  1. If You Knew Susie
  2. Ma! He's Makin' Eyes at Me
  3. Makin' Whoopee

So you can see that our valiant barber has got quite a heritage, which is all the more reason to hold him up as a hero in these difficult times.

When I'm out there at 8pm clapping the health workers, you can bet that I save a few claps for the barber who shaves all and only those who don't shave themselves, and for those amazing Cantor boys!

Now I'm not an expert in Coronaviruses, or mathematical philosophy, or 20th Century American popular culture. Rugby League's my game, and commentating on the BBC was my job. But I do have the internet. I got all my information from Google and Wikipedia. It's so easy to cobble stuff together off the internet. That's why I never scoff at what's on Facebook, or what Donald Trump says. That's why I never laugh at Boris Johnson.

And I know a thing or two about persistence. Remember, I died in 1986.


Eddie Waring

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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