So what we thought was quarantine, was, in fact, house arrest, but that little tag on our ankle hasn't stopped the UK's most feared news team from sniffing out the truth.
So here is the truth.
Loyal Conservative flesh bag, Michael Gove, came out swinging for beleaguered PM Johnson today, saying “he might not be the best we’ve got. He might not even be in the top million, but, by God, he is
Gove has always prided himself on being the most snake-like creature in a whole pit of writhing shit slugs. Gove has managed to remain entirely consistent throughout his political career, knifing friends, colleagues and anyone he perceives in his way, in the front, back, sides and ear lobes. He, like many members of the Conservative party, has also being publically disowned by his own mother.
Today, a report in the Sunday Times showed that Johnson's governmental plan for the Coronavirus was to “hide under some coats until enough of the proles die off”.
After Johnson was deservedly blasted for his and his parties inaction before the Coronavirus crisis, many rushed to defend the sentient rice pudding…but not Gove.
Appearing on National TV as soon as was humanly possible, Gove began by admitting that Johnson hadn’t bothered to turn up to five of the COBRA meetings set up to plan for the Coronavirus. To be fair, with Johnson's usual input being irrelevance and wrongly-used Latin phrases, this was probably a good thing.
Gove then slavishly defended his current master by saying that “some of the allegations made were slightly off beam; for example, during one of the meetings, Matt Hancock was said to be wearing a red tie, when, in fact, it was a yellow one! I don’t know where journalists get their often wrong information from.”
Before heading back inside, Gove left with a parting show of support for his PM stating:
"This isn’t the time to be talking about leadership contests and disposing the Prime Minister, and installing myself as leader of the party and the country. So I won’t talk about my upcoming leadership challenge, because that might undermine the current incompetent leadership, and I do not want to undermine the PM by categorically stating that I want to wrench the soul of this country from his bleeding fingers as I crush him politically and physically. This isn’t the time."