CDC Warns that Coronavirus May Linger on Petals So Don’t Stop and Smell the Roses

Funny story written by Chrissy Benson

Sunday, 19 April 2020

image for CDC Warns that Coronavirus May Linger on Petals So Don’t Stop and Smell the Roses
Rather than stopping to smell the roses, the CDC recommends stopping going outside at all.

Cautioning that the novel coronavirus can linger on surfaces like flower petals for up to 17 hours, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention warned people not to stop and smell the roses, even though they could die at any moment from COVID-19.

“Some of our advice is counter-intuitive, which is why it’s so important to continuously stay attuned to the news,” said CDC Director Dr. Robert Redfield. “That bit you miss could be what could have saved your life.”

He added, “Unless you already had the virus, of course. In which case you were doomed regardless.”

Redfield emphasized that the rose petal coronavirus warning may be particularly important for people who, unemployed and at loose ends since the nearly worldwide lockdown went into effect, had been taking the time to do things like stop and smell the roses. “What they really need to stop doing is going outside at all,” he said. “Nature is an extremely dangerous place. And COVID-19 isn't the only virus out there.”

Redfield urged people to remain optimistic and emotionally balanced, as the unprecedented pandemic claims the lives of countless unsuspecting souls around the globe, some of whose grave mistake of sniffing unsanitized flora without a face mask ended up taking them to their literal graves. “In these darkest of times, a positive attitude can make all the difference,” he said.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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