All My Women and This Nonsense #Metoo Movement (an excerpt from Trump's Unauthorized Autobiography in His Own Best Words)

Funny story written by Chris Dahl

Tuesday, 3 March 2020

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All My Women and This Nonsense #Metoo Movement
I've always said, 'If you need Viagra, you're probably with the wrong girl.'
Donald Trump

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Love me or hate me, Donald Trump is a man who is certain about what he wants, and sets out to get it, no holds barred. Women find my power almost as much of a turn-on as my money. I’ve been with a lot of women, you know? The first thing is you never take no for an answer. It’s not like she really wants to say no. It’s just all this societal pressure on her to appear all virgin-like and whatnot, so they feel they have to say no when you know, and I know, that they really want it just like anyone else. See, it’s science – real science, I mean – that’ll tell you they have the same urges that we have, but this stuff they pass off as science now is like, “Oh yeah, politically correct this, politically correct that, keep your hands to yourself. The woman makes all the decisions about her own body. She knows when to have an abortion better than a guy.” But, see, what if abortion were legal back when I was born, and my mother decided that she was good with two kids? You know, one boy, one girl – perfect. So, she decides to get an abortion and I’m never born. Imagine all the great stuff that never would’ve never happened if I wasn’t born. All those great, big, massive buildings. All those great, big golf courses. All the women who’d be left unsatisfied. And, of course, the most historically massive win in any presidential election ever, even bigger – and I just looked this up the other day – than Mao, or Stalin, who were great presidents in their own ways. (And why did those guys get to stay in office their whole lives? What’s with this stupid two-term thing we have in that stinky, old constitution? I’m gonna fix that some day.) Anyway, you just have to work through that. I guess you could say that you gotta play the bad guy, but, hey, she’s playing the Virgin Mary role, but she really still wants it, so you just have to take one for the team and be the guy with the black hat. See, this is what I do. I use some Tic Tacs, just in case I start kissing her. You know I'm automatically attracted to beautiful — I just start kissing them. It's like a magnet. Just kiss. I don't even wait. And when you're a star, they let you do it. You can do anything. Grab them by the pussy. You can do anything. Those walls just break down and they give in and it’s all yours. That’s how I’ve gotten all these women. Rich ones, not-so rich ones. Old, young, red-heads, brunettes and blondes and everything in between. No Mexicans though – never fraternize with the help, a strict rule of mine. Have I been with blacks? Well, it depends on what your definition of black is ‘cause those blacks come in all different shades and colors. I was looking it up and I guess it depends on where they come from in Africa, like what part. If there’s more sun, then they get darker, and some places in Africa, there’s less sun so they don’t get as dark. Seriously, I know it sounds crazy, but I read it in this book. It just seemed nuts ‘cause white people are just one color: white. But the blacks aren’t just black. You ever notice that? Some are like caramel. Some are like a burnt sienna, remember that crayon – that was my favorite for drawing trees when I was a kid. Then, they have those really dark ones, like a deep purple. Ever seen ‘em? Anyway, oftentimes- when I’m sleeping with one of the top women in the world, I say to myself, thinking about me as a boy from Queens, 'Can you believe what I am getting?

Seriously though, it is a very scary time for young men in America with this #Metoo Movement thing, where you can be guilty of something you may not be guilty of. Sure, women are doing great. They have it all in their purses right now. Some guy goes out, sees a nice looking chick, God Forbid he doesn’t hear her saying, “No, no, no,” ‘cause maybe the music in the club is too loud or he had a couple drinks or something, but you know, they have a good time, and next thing you know, she’s yelling “Metoo!” Then this poor guy, he’s got a rape charge hanging over his head and that ruins him for life. I mean, that’s very bad press. Try talking your way around that one. It’s like it doesn’t matter what you say, all these Libs and Dems are just gonna scream #Metoo at you and throw these hashtags all over the place. That’s why me, personally, I figured that one out a long time ago. You've got to deny, deny, deny and push back on these women. If you admit to anything and any culpability, then you're dead. You've got to be strong. You've got to be aggressive. You've got to push back hard. You've got to deny anything that's said about you. Never admit anything to anyone – ever. Otherwise, you’ll be stuck in a prison cell with some guy. Or you’ll get one of those paternity raps, where the chick is trying to tell you that you knocked her up and she’s having your baby and all that, but you know, she’s probably just looking for a pay day, ‘cause they’re more than happy to have an abortion if the price is right. I mean, me, I’ve paid some pretty stiff prices in my day – like 130,000 just in one payment. You know, you’re better off just paying the money though, ‘cause, like I always say, and I'll tell you what I've learned: Children are tough. Much tougher than people think. Of course, I'm a really good father, but not a really good husband. You've probably figured out my children really like me – love me – a lot. It's hard when somebody walks into the living room of Mar-a-Lago in Palm Beach and this is supposed to be, like, a normal life. But they're very grounded and very solid. The hardest thing for me about raising kids has been finding the time. I know friends who leave their business, so they can spend more time with their children, and I say, 'Gimme a break!' My children could not love me more if I spent fifteen times more time with them. So, that’s why you gotta be careful, and, if you have to, pay the money.

I know what you might be thinking by now: Boy, this guy sure hates women, but that couldn’t be farther from the truth. There's nothing I love more than women. I mean, look, my own mother was a woman. So, I know a thing or two about women. In fact, I have embraced crying mothers who have lost their children because our politicians put their personal agendas before the national good. I have no patience for injustice, no tolerance for government incompetence, no sympathy for leaders who fail their citizens. I have women working in high positions (all kinds of positions, actually). I was one of the first people to put women in charge of big construction jobs. And, you know, I've had a great relationship with women.

But they're really a lot different than portrayed. They are far worse than men, far more aggressive, and boy, can they be smart! That’s why nobody has more respect for women than I do. Nobody. Nobody has more respect. I have such respect for women. My mother was one of the great people I've of known in my life. Women have one of the great acts of all time. The smart ones act very feminine and needy, but inside they are real killers. The person who came up with the expression “the weaker sex” was either very naive or had to be kidding. I have seen women manipulate men with just a twitch of their eye — or perhaps another body part. That’s how they are, those women. I mean, they have their place in the Natural Order and so do men – I guess that’s just how it is.
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The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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