New production of Hamlet will star Nancy Pelosi and Bill Clinton

Funny story written by joseph k winter

Friday, 12 July 2019

image for New production of Hamlet will star Nancy Pelosi and Bill Clinton
Alex Acosta may be asked to play the ghost of Hamlet's father

A new and glitzy version of Hamlet is in rehearsal as part of the Democrat's autumn campaign for Presidential Election 2020.

Casting and script problems continue to plague the production, however, with Ms. Pelosi reported not happy.

Ms. Pelosi performs Gertrude, Hamlet’s mother.

According to insider sources, she is content with Bill Clinton as Hamlet and Jeffrey Epstein as Horatio.

As part of his appeal to avoid prison with house-arrest currently, Mr. Epstein is asking he also be allowed back and forth to the theater to perform his part, ankles chained throughout.

Additionally, Ms. Pelosi is not happy with Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez as Ophelia.

AOC herself has recently withdrawn from any role whatever.

“If I could perform Gertrude, well, maybe,” AOC said.

“I would love to speak back to Nancy Pelosi somehow--as with Why dost thou wag thy tongue in noise so rude against me?

Also, doubts linger over certain modifications in the play, as to whether Mr. Shakespeare would approve.

Early in the play, Epstein (Horatio) replies to Bill Clinton (Hamlet) with an eyebrow raising remark.

Hamlet: “There are more things, Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy.”

Horatio: “Yes, but you haven’t been to my private island yet via the Lolita Express!”

Joe Biden as Polonius has also brought on some difficulties in keeping to the bard’s original lines.

With Senator Schumer as Claudius, the following scene is “plangent with forgiveness and goodness,” according to Mr. Biden, who engineered the script at this point.

Polonius: “What do you think of me?”

Claudius: “As a man faithful and honorable.”

Polonius: “I would fain prove so. But what might you think if I say I am also the best candidate for 2020 against the orange man, who even now slides into a weakness, thence into a lightness, and into a declension where he now raves?”

Not least in complications, with Ms. Pelosi increasingly anxious, Bernie Sanders as the gravedigger is causing problems.

Mr. Sanders is clinging to yet another new styling in the bard’s text.

Hamlet (Bill Clinton): “Has this fellow no feeling of his business, that he sings at grave making?”

Clown/gravedigger (Bernie Sanders):


But age with his stealing steps
Hath clawed me all too firm
But I am still the best of those
So let Trump feel the Bern!

Ms. Pelosi is considering bringing in additional directorial and script expertise from Barack Obama and Rachel Maddow at this time.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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