Jeffrey Epstein Invites Women’s Soccer Team To His Mansion

Funny story written by Dr. Billingsgate

Wednesday, 10 July 2019

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BILLINGSGATE POST: After turning down offers to visit the White House and the International House of Pancakes, the U.S. Women’s Soccer Team accepted an offer from Jeffrey Epstein to visit his mansion in New York City.

A ticker-tape parade through Lower Manhattan is pretty much the quintessential homecoming for American heroes. So it’s only fitting that Team USA be invited to visit Epstein’s mansion as part of the tribute. Usually reserved for foreign dignitaries and Democrat donors who like young chicks, a tour of this iconic mansion is considered one of the highest honors a prevert can score, according to the New York Times.

Epstein, who is currently under arrest for sexually assaulting minors, said from his cell that he fully understands that none of the team is fifteen years or younger.

Mayor De Blasio, not to be over-shadowed, announced that the team will also be invited to observe his latest project; the new revolving fire hydrants installed in the ritzy Upper West Side of Manhattan. These innovative hydrants were installed to make it more difficult for dogs to pee. Slowly turning at six revolutions per minute, these hydrants give high-stepping poodles a moving target when they relieve themselves. Although some dogs suffer from vertigo and dizziness while trying to follow the hydrant, most of them enjoy the challenge of maintaining their balance while lifting their leg and keeping up with the revolving hydrant.

Slim Everdingle: “Start spreading the news.”

Dirty: “These vagabond shoes, they are longing to stray.”

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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