THE VATICAN—Pope Francis, in his new encyclical Masturbationes Licit, has now opened the practice of masturbation to some, but not all, Catholics. Said Pope Francis, “Given that our esteemed clergy appear to have—how do you say?—too much unrequited sexual potential, I hereby proclaim, with the inerrancy given to me by this large hat, that priests can now masturbate up to three times a week, but never on Friday.” (Translated from the Latin.)
A spokesperson—uh, that is, man—for the Pope explained after the release of the Encyclical: “We felt the need to restrict masturbation to only the priests because the laypeople are . . . well . . . already mostly getting laid, so this isn’t such a problem in the wider Catholic community.”
The Pope’s spokesman went on to explain that the priests are restricted only to biblically-themed pornography for this purpose. In fact, the Church is now collaborating with DC Comics to create a graphic novel of the Song of Songs to be used solely for licit emission purposes.
Priests will also be allowed to masturbate to the Adam and Eve story, but only the part when, fully clothed, Adam and Eve are expelled from the Garden (Genesis 3: 21-24).
When a reporter from Vice asked the spokesman whether nuns in the Church, who also take a vow of chastity, will be allowed to masturbate, the spokesman shrugged and replied, “We’ve never really thought about that. Hmmmmmmmmmm.”
