Catholic Priest Was "Only Joking" About Boy's Suicide

Written by Monkey Woods

Sunday, 16 December 2018

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You have sinned

A Catholic priest who shot his big, fat, stupid mouth off at a boy's funeral, about how suicide will anger God and prevent a dead person's soul from entering heaven, has said he was only joking.

Father Don LaQuesta (not real name, but nearly) was the priest chosen by the Hollibarger family to conduct the burial service of their son, Mayson, 18, who took his own life after a series of depressive issues took control of him, and made it impossible for him to cope any longer.

Instead of making the occasion a celebration of their son's life, however, this mealy-mouthed, bowing-and-scraping-to-an-entity-not-yet-proven overpaid slug-father chose to berate Mayson for taking the route that he did, and offered his unwanted, demented, and retarded opinion that the dead boy's soul might not be allowed into heaven.

Now, however, after the family complained, and the Archdiocese of Detroit relieved the priest of future funeral engagements, he said:

"I was only joking! I didn't mean any of that old bullshit I said at the boy's send-off. You have to read between the lines. It's all 'bullshit for the masses'. Nobody believes in it, or takes any notice of it. To be honest, I didn't even realise anybody was listening to me!"

The Catholic Church, mired in accusations of child sex abuse worldwide, is keen to avoid any more scandal.

A spokesman said:

"If Father LaQuesta says he was only joking, the Catholic Church believes him. He wasn't serious. People ought to lighten up."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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