Written by Paxton Quigley

Monday, 28 January 2019

image for RSPCA Calls for Government Action on Spanking the Monkey
"I'll spank the monkey if I want to"

"It's a cruel and unnecessary practice, and we need to get a grip on it," said Mr Eric J. Throbbing-Gristle, Chief Inspector of The Royal Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals. "I am talking about the passion for monkey spanking as exhibited by adolescent boys and young men. If it was up to me, I would give them a good beating, the little squirts."

As a matter of public interest, The Spoof carried out street interviews with passers-by to see how they felt about this unusual practice. Nineteen-year-old Miss Diane Forrit was quick to express her disgust.

"My next-door neighbour tells me that he does this. He even asks me to come to his bedroom and spank his monkey. I didn't even know he had a monkey, and spanking it seems so cruel to me, as an animal lover. By that, I don't mean I do it with animals, or that I am an animal in bed! No, I just feel that animals should be valued, and their rights respected. Do you want to take me home with you?"

A government spokesman told The Spoof "This is a private matter, and is not within the jurisdiction of the government. What people do in the sanctity of their homes is their own business, and we believe that no animals are harmed by this behaviour."

STOP PRESS: Pope calls for international action on bashing the bishop.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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