Vatican Temporarily Sanctions American Suicide

Funny story written by Chrissy Benson

Thursday, 10 January 2019

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"We are certainly not encouraging Americans to take their own lives," said Pope Francis. "We are just saying we understand."

In a gesture of solidarity with politically-despondent Americans, the Vatican has announced that for the duration of Donald Trump's presidency, suicide by Americans will not be considered a mortal sin disqualifying them from eternal salvation.

"We are certainly not encouraging Americans to take their own lives," emphasized Pope Francis. "We are just saying we understand."

This bold and compassionate move by the Catholic Church comes as a great relief to many poltically-conscious Catholics living in the United States, like Peg O'Hara of New York City.

"I'm a generally positive person," said Peg, "but the president's accelerated destruction of our planet, abandonment of even token respect for women, people of color, non-citizens - it's all been a real downer. Don't get me wrong, I'm not planning to hang myself with a bedsheet, but it's good to know that if worst comes to, well, even worse, I've got that option."

And while Brian Wood of Boston isn't looking to suicide as a political failsafe, he says that he's extremely impressed with the Pope's  sophisticated understanding of trauma.

"He just seems like such a cool, progressive guy,"  raved Brian. Only half-jokingly, he added, "Hey, can we get the Pope to be our president? I know, there's that whole separation of Church and State thing, but maybe we can find a way around that. You think?"

Important to note is that as a non-Catholic, Donald Trump''s own prospects for salvation will remain unaffected by the Church's new policy, regardless of his ultimate cause of death. The Vatican has stated that, at the conclusion of Trump's presidency, whenever that may be, it will revisit its stance on American suicide.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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