Dr. Quigley Answers Couples' Fertility Questions

Written by Paxton Quigley

Thursday, 20 September 2018

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Another success for Dr. Quigley's personalised treatment

Dear Dr. Quigley

My wife and I want to thank you so much for your help now that she has managed to give birth despite the fact that several years ago I was told I am completely sterile. Your treatment worked wonders and we are both happy that she didn't have to resort to IVF which can be a traumatic experience. A. Simpleton, Bangor.

Mr. Simpleton, you don't have to thank me as it was my pleasure to treat your wife during my visits to Bangor. The overnight courses of insemination worked wonders for both of us. It was such a pleasure that I am waiving my fee and I am looking forward to assisting in the conception of your second child.

My husband and I have been told that you are an expert in male fertility and that your treatment courses have a 100% success rate. Is this true and what are your fees for this service? Mrs. Cocksure, Essex.

Dear Mrs. Cocksure, I am indeed highly successful in my fertility practice and my fees are very reasonable. On some occasions I actually provide my service for free and in fact, having seen your bikini photos on Facebook, I think you will qualify for my fee waiver. All I need from you is a non-disclosure or confidentiality agreement as I don't want my highly personalised treatment methods to come to the attention of the General Medical Council.

My husband is an Old Etonian and during his time at school sex education consisted of thrashings by prefects followed by mutual masturbation and occasional buggery. I want a baby and I have tried to re-educate him with regular viewings of videos on Pornhub, but now he is convinced that he should always ejaculate onto my face. I quite like that, but he really needs to do it properly. What can I do? Mrs. Cumwhat-May, Berkshire.

Dear Madam, this is an unfortunate state of affairs and you have my deepest sympathy. The problem with using Pornhub as an educational tool is that the so-called "money shot" necessitates the ejaculate being produced in plain sight and not going where it should. I am booking an appointment for you both to attend at which you and I, with his consent, will give your husband a practical demonstration of the correct procedure.

My wife and I are married lesbians and we are desperate for children. Is there an easy way in which we can both become pregnant and give birth at the same time? Mrs. and Mrs. Keepon-Tribbing, Sussex.

Hmm, ladies, this is a dilemma for me which needs careful consideration. I haven't yet inseminated two ladies at the same time, but it's an interesting challenge and I'm willing to give it a go. I will be emailing you details on how the three of us can work together on what is essentially a simple procedure, if somewhat exhausting for me.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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