THE WIRED STREET URINAL REPORTER KR Schwartz
DATELINE: September 27th 2018
Fearing Political Tsunami in November, Republicans Adopt New Approaches
Feeling the mounting political pressure from constituents over the Senate Judiciary Committee’s confirmation recital of Brett “100 Bottles of Beer on the Wall” Kavanaugh, the Grand Old Party, now generally known as the Geriatric Order of Patricians, is implementing some new strategies to interact with the media and their voters. “Our fake finding mission has caused an uproar only equaled by a condom embargo for trollops. We have to do something,” Senator Chuck “Chi Mihn” Grassley told this reporter. “It has become apparent the populace has become sated with Washington farces, parodies, pretenses, charades, but, possibly, not masquerades. Consequently, we are encouraging MOC’s (not mockery but Members of Congress) to employ stand-ins or Hollywood doubles for such stressful duties as Town Hall meetings, contentious Congressional hearings or just meeting with the local dignitaries from back home. Kabuki theater has been popular in Japan for centuries – if it ain’t broken and it’s not yours – steal it. I’m personally in negotiation with Steve Carrell. For less tenured Republicans, there are facelifts, collagen injections and the most sought-after tool – Groucho glasses with attached mustache. The voracious demand from White House staffers has made the Groucho disguise about as hard to find as monocle-wearing left-wing, Jehovah Witness, transsexual narwhals without any piercings!"
“I have also advised staffers and colleagues to assume a more congenial and conciliatory public persona with media. Saying things like, “I am still considering this or that" or "I will be holding a Town Hall this weekend to listen to the voters"… bullshit like that. Southern Democrats got away for decades with, “Some of my best friends are niggers.” My suggestions are much more wholesome, while being politically correct. Can’t miss. Always present a face of open-mindedness – they’ll never know your opinion is as porous to a new notion not bought and paid for, as case-hardened steel."
“Fellow committee member, Ted “The Missile” Cruz, brought it to my attention the 5th and 14th Amendments to the United States Constitution each contain a Due Process Clause. “The Missile” proposes changing the 5th & 14th Amendments, altering all references to “due process” to “droll process,” although I am perfectly amenable to “due parody.” I like it – it streamlines government and does away with the tedium of evidence, data, facts, and malodorous witnesses with names no-one can pronounce from who-knows-where. I know they’re not from Maquoketa. You can’t get an unbiased tribunal composed of close family members, so why keep up a façade, just because some male fat cats a couple of centuries ago thought it was a good idea? Hell, they owned slaves, and their wives couldn’t own jack! Hummmmmmm..."
In other fast-breaking news, President Trump just TWEETed, “I’ve heard Democrats have been colluding with non-native-born people with funny names, and messing with the upcoming midterm Congressional elections, so I am directing the DOJ, the CIA, and the GRU to investigate. Finally, that yahoo garden gnome I hired as Attorney General can finally earn a goddamned paycheck. I know, and you know, Hillary is in there somewhere. Lock 'em up!”