Brexit Analysis Impossible Until After Brexit, Claims Man Who Only Reads Sports Pages

Funny story written by Monkey Woods

Saturday, 22 September 2018

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Cork - a compromise?

The consequences, ramifications, and repercussions of Britain leaving the European Union cannot, and will not, be known until after the event has happened, claims a man who knows absolutely fuck all about economics.

Moys Kenwood, 55, said that, as well as not knowing anything about economics, he is less than well-versed in the complicated subject of politics.

"You may as well talk to me about gynaecology," he said, "or nuclear fission."

The complexities of business are lost on him, he explained:

"Business, business sectors, capital, capitalism, trade, trade deficits, trade deals, tariffs, customs unions, financial markets, stock market trading, interest rates, lending, borrowing ... what a load of bollox! Business and the Law: concepts thought up by those with nothing to do once the country started to wake up to the fraud of Religion!"

And the Hard Brexit/Soft Brexit question? Kenwood, it turns out, has a different view of such complex ideas.

"I hear discussions about whether it would benefit Britain to negotiate a Hard Brexit or a Soft Brexit, but I find a compromise is usually for the best. I think something between 'hard' and 'soft' is what's required - cork for example. Cork is buoyant, and would keep the economy afloat. It would also provide containment, and a good degree of restraint. Cork is the way forward."

Everyone, it seems, wants to tell you what they think of Brexit, and its ultimate consequences. Kenwood:

"People have their own firm opinions on what will happen after Brexit. They are all so sure about it, but the only thing I can say that I'm absolutely sure about, is that I'm not sure about any of it."

The Englishman, who rarely looks at anything more than the Sports News pages of newspapers or internet news sites, laughed:

"What are 'immigration issues'? Who's to say who belongs where? I was born on Earth, and, as far as I'm concerned, I, and other people, should be free to roam it, like ants are, like birds are, like polar bears are, should they so wish. And fuck anybody else who says anything different."

And what of economic indicators, past performances, financial predictions, statistical information, evidence? Surely, we can rely on data from the past? Kenwood:

"Get fucked. When - or if - Brexit eventually happens, some people will have been right with their analyses, and some will have been wrong. Some will have got some things right, and other things hopelessly wrong. Right now, however, there is no way of knowing who is right, and who is wrong. It looks like it will be a sunny weekend, but if a breeze starts blowing in from the sea, it could piss down, and the weather forecasters will have egg on their faces - yet again! On paper, Liverpool look like they'll beat Southampton on Saturday, but the game isn't played on paper, it's played on grass. If that rain blows in from the coast, it might get slippery on the grass, and that's when teams come unstuck, and 'the rule book' goes out of the window."

His conclusion?

"Better to employ a strict 'Wait-and-See' Policy," he said, turning to the Sports News.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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