Man Pleads Guilty To Sexual Misconduct In His Sleep

Written by Monkey Woods

Tuesday, 25 September 2018

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Bert showing remorse earlier

A man who has been accused of sexual misconduct whilst asleep, has admitted he is as guilty as the day is long.

Bert Kavanagh, 32, a roadsweeper from Muncie, Indiana, told drinking buddies at the Bra Strap pub that, with regard to the charges that have been levelled at him, he didn't have a leg to stand on.

The charges were brought by Stephanie 'Steph' Bucksom, 30, who Bert had taken back to his place to perform some sexual misconduct, which she was keen for. The large amount of drink they had consumed prevented this, and the pair slept the sleep of the dead.

During the night, however, Steph awoke after Bert, apparently dreaming, hinted that he was going to put his penis in her face, and "come all over it". Steph liked the sound of this, and took the initiative. Bert woke up, and, realizing what he had done, apologized. Steph continued munching.

The next day at the Bra Strap, Steph was enthusiastically telling everyone about her adventure, in the same way sewage flows out of a ruptured pipe. Roars of laughter filled the pub when Bert walked in, and, when one of the gang mentioned Sexual Misconduct, the roadsweeper had to admit he'd been a bad boy.

"There's no getting away with it," laughed Bert. "I was having impure thoughts, and should be punished. Sit on my face!"

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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